Tuesday, May 26, 2009

do it all Mom

It's late at night, the kiddos are snoozing, daddy's playing video games, momma's thinking her random thoughts...

I must confess, I am NOT a do it all mom! I have sooo much respect for those moms who go to work everyday and raise a family and keep up their house. And those who go to school and do the same thing, and those moms who can work, school, and raise families are super amazing. I couldn't do it. I worked full time for only two years since I first gave birth over six years ago. Let me tell you, I struggled everyday. everyday. It was hard. My house was never clean, and dinner was usually late or some unhealthy take out. (Not that I think all take out is bad, I love drive through food! We just had it way excessively). I felt so inadequate. I felt like a failure to my husband and kids. I knew I was providing financially for my family and loved my job and co workers. I loved coming home and the boys being super excited to see me because they hadn't all day. Toby is such an amazing daddy! He cooked a lot for us during that time and we split all the chores in half. I still didn't get them done each week. It was definitely exhausting trying to be so many things. But I thank God for that time in my life. I made some amazing friends and learned a lot about myself. My respect for those do it all moms that do work and still manage to make dinner and clean has grown!! Way to go moms!! I admit I failed miserably at trying to do both.

Let me just say that when the baby was born, I had a REALLY hard time. It's tough to admit, but I felt like God made a mistake by choosing me to be the mother to three of His precious children. Silly huh?? God doesn't make mistakes!!!! But baby blues attacked me and I felt so unworthy of my babies love. I was having a hard time wanting be around ANYONE!! ..didn't wanna do anything, or see anyone. Just wanted to hide out for the next decade!! Honestly, I was really upset with The Big Guy because you can't take hardly any meds while nursing. I felt like I had to choose between my sanity and breastfeeding. I wasn't giving up nursing. I felt angry a lot too. At myself, the kids, the dad, the dogs, the house, it didn't matter. Thankfully, it passed after a while, and I am just now, during these last couple of weeks, figuring out a new balance in my life. So I have a routine down: Wake up, get everyone fed and ready, off to school, do my daily chores, be on the computer, then do whatever tickles my fancy, and of course give the baby loves, food, and changes all day :), then get the boys, early dinner, and night time togetherness. Things have gotten smoother for sure. My downfall, is I have let my quiet time with the Lord slip away.... that happened right after the baby was born. Baby blues ruled for a while, and it's my fault for letting them.

Now, I'm doing a study of Esther with a good friend of mine. I actually got the book to do the study with the Women's Wednesday night study. But it started the week the baby was born and I stopped going because of what I was going through. But my friend and I are doing it together now and I'm super excited. Sadly, it's the most excited I've been about the bible in a while. Beth Moore is SOOO passionate about every word she speaks. It makes me feel tiny and encouraged all at the same time. I keep praying for a craving for the Word. The Lord is delivering, let me tell ya. I'm starting to feel a NEED to dive in and it feels good. It's the best feeling I've had in a while quite honestly. I'm excited and scared to see what He does with me during this study. He may show me something truly amazing or something utterly truthful that isn't too pretty... who knows...

Have a great Wednesday:)


ps. it's hard bearing part of your soul......

3 comments:

  1. Brooke,
    I too struggle with SEVERE depression after my third and it lasted for longer than I expected. God is so good to see us through those times when we need to be carried. He is the great provider and sustainer. I'm excited that you have been able to see God's hand throughout the experience. For me I felt like I was losing faith. I really relate to your post and thank you for it. I hope that others are encouraged by you. You are a blessing! And thankfully it's not about what we did but where are hearts were. I think that is a hard one for us to get our minds around sometimes.

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  2. How encouraging...I am so proud of you. I'm with you...I haven't been in the word in so long but have the desire to everyday...I just don't. I typically use the age old excuse of not having any time...because I am one of those moms you describe as a "do it all." Although I too feel that I fall WAY short in MANY areas of my day-to-day life. I believe that has more to do with my relationship with the Lord than I have been willing to admit to lately...I shouldn't rely on my own abilities...none of us should...we'll fall short every time!! Thank you so much for this post. I know it's hard to reveal your soul like that but I'm thankful you did. You've definitely given me something to think about, pray about, and more importantly DO something about. I love you!!

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  3. Brooke,
    Thank you so much for sharing this. You truly are a supermom and I admire you in many ways. The Esther study will bless you more than I can even tell you - it certainly blessed me! Your transparency is inspiring and is a great reminder that it is totally okay to not have it all together all the time! Thanks for blessing me! Love you!

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I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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