Sunday, December 20, 2009

my heart can't catch up

So today was spent baking while Toby was at the game. I did LOTS of baking. lots. It was fun, sort of. and tiring. I had the radio on nearly all day and forced myself NOT to change stations when a Christmas song came on. I was pretty much trying to force the cheer. I felt okay today. I felt a little more chipper than what I've been feeling. I also finished up a little laundry. I seem to get way behind on that easily. I guess that happens with five people in one house with one mom doing laundry in one washer and dryer- huh? 

Ya know, I really just wanna feel like me again. I remember when laughing came so easily and so often. I remember being deliriously happy at one time. Where everything seemed to be great no matter what was going on. Where not too much got under my skin, I didn't take things too serious, I took things lightly, I was a go with the flow person. I really want that person back, but it has been so.long. since I've seen that girl. There was a time where I felt like very few things were just out of control. I had total trust and faith in the Lord. He was taking care, providing. I was faith-filled. Somewhere along the way I've lost sight of what I know. It's like my head knows the Truth, but my heart can't catch up and understand it too. I feel like my whole being is out of control right now. My emotions seems to run wild. One second I'm feeling pretty okay, the next I'm so mad, then the next the tiniest thing makes me wanna cry and cry. I don't know what's up, but it's making me nuts-o. I don't even know what to do.

On a more positive note, J turned 9mths old LAST Saturday, and the day before that his first tooth came in on the bottom. The second one is close behind. I'm also starting to make myself believe that he WILL say Momma first! He will!! I should have blogged about it, but I didn't. I don't have my photoshop installed right now (there was a big to-do about that) so I can't show you his 9mth photos, which I believe are super cute. Soon, though.... I will show you one, however. Okay, nevermind. The file is too large and it's taking too long for me. See, that's why I'm waiting for my PS to be re-installed... I can make the files the perfect size.

Right now, it's 4am and I am going to try and get J back to sleep and hop in the shower and get another load of laundry going. Looks like it's an all nighter and that means nap time for EVERYONE after church this morning...

Happy Sunday...

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