Monday, December 28, 2009

starting january 1st

 (9mth photo)

gosh.. really? another year has already passed? it's 2010? REALLY? what.happened? I know things seem to go by faster as you get older, but sheesh, I wish things would just SLOW.DOWN just a bit so I can catch my breath sometimes. I can't believe I have a 6 1/2 year old who is in 1st grade. Wanna know a secret? Sometimes I still don't feel old enough or mature enough to have a 6yr old. It seems wild to me at times. I also have a 5 year old starting kindergarten this year. That doesn't seem possible. And my baby is 9 1/2 months old and stood by himself for about 3 seconds yesterday. Is he that big already? and have I really been nursing and changing diapers for that long? This also marks the start of the TENTH year of my marriage. Still in shock that we JUST passed our anniversary on the 22nd for the NINTH time. Time has really flown and as I look back and reflect on this past year, I see the good and the fun moments we had as a family, the fun birthdays, going to the park, the first day of school, my NINE year anniversary, going to Oklahoma, becoming a stay at home mom again, starting an official business with Toby, and I could go on... BUT I won't. Looking over the year, I also see my screw ups, my blow ups, my mistakes, my lack of faith, lack of obedience, lack of motivation, the bad days I had because I got in my own way, the baby blues that seemed so dark, and I could go on and on and on about the ugliness I've caused myself this year, but I won't. All I know is that I want 2010 to be a better year. I want to know the Lord better. I screamed at Him the other day because things just don't seem to be going so well lately or for months now. I felt I had finally hit THE bottom. I felt broken. I felt ashamed and angry and abandoned. This past Sunday, as I was walking over to the church and through the doors, it's like I could feel the tears building up. I could feel Him saying "It's okay, I'm still here. Come and take a rest in my arms. Let it all out and let it all go. Start over. Just come and trust me and just be with me". So I let it all go, and I let it all out. It felt so good. I well up as I write this. I have been an awful follower of Christ, not doing what I know I should be doing. I just prayed... for forgiveness, for comfort, for a burning desire to want to know Him more. I prayed for many things, but most importantly for me that morning was forgiveness for acting like a spoiled selfish brat. I don't take the word BRAT lightly. My biological father (when he was in the picture) used to call us kids brats all the time, but the tone he always had and the way he seemed to always say it left an internal scar and NO ONE EVER calls my kids brats. Toby realized that very early on and thankfully his is such a loving husband and father that he has never said it after the first time. Anyways, back to the point... I know how I've been, and I know that in acting so selfish, I have caused myself a lot of trouble and heartache. So after pouring my heart out to God, I know what I must do.

See... our church is going to have a 21 day fast together (fasting whatever each person chooses) and Toby already knows what he is fasting. Unlike most people, I did NOT know immediately what I would be fasting. At first, I chose something easy, like no TV during that time. As much as I love to watch prime time TV, I'm not glued to it. So, after much thought, I will be fasting sleeping in/late. I was talking to one of my bffs and was telling her that I fully believe that if I were a morning person and enjoyed rising early, my whole world would be different - I would be different and BETTER as a person. I despise mornings. BUT I know to grow as a Christian, I MUST wake early and spend time with God. So I will be fasting that sleep I love so much, going to bed earlier, and getting up between 530 and 6am for 21 days. It will be hard, but oh so worth it. I will be praying during that time that my body will adjust easily and wake up naturally on its own at that time everyday so I can easily continue waking early after the fast. During that time, I will be restarting and finishing using "The Power of a Positive Mom" as my morning study and guess what... it just happens to have 21 chapters. imagine!! Also, Toby and I talked and decided to fast something individually and something as a family. Our family fast will be NOT spending money outside of bills (and groceries and gas that we budget). It will be hard since we have those days we don't want to cook and those times where we really want to buy something for ourselves or the boys... but we'll make it. I hope.

Also, starting the first I will be taking and posting a photo a day for the entire year. aka: Project 365. I have been wanting to do this since back in MAY! Just never did start it. My theme is simply Things I Encounter In My Everyday Life. It'll be fun! You should do it too ;)

To sum it up. Starting January 1st:

a) 21 day fast: no spending outside of bills
b) 21 day fast: no more sleeping in.
c) Project 365

Have a great (short for some) week!

1 comment:

  1. Yay for Project 365!!!! :)))) I am fasting Facebook its gonna be quite awful. J hasnt a clue yet.


I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.


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