Thursday, December 17, 2009

up and down

 The following post is a mini rant and has the real me on display. Please forgive me for yelling through typing and airing my dirty laundry but I gotta get it out... I'm sorry...


It's no secret... at least not to me... or Toby... that I have been in a ridiculous slump. I feel like everything from my home, to my emotions, to my faith, to my love, to my business, to my everythingaboutmylife seems off and sloppy and messy. I thought I was doing great and then down I went. It seems that's how my life is played out- a roller coaster ride that has EXTREME highs and EXTREME lows. I feel like I'm never just on even ground, in the middle. Several months ago, I felt I was getting close to the very very top of my life coaster. Things were beautiful and lovely and grand and working just right. Then suddenly I took a nose dive to the very very bottom of my coaster. I keep asking myself what happened. I keep wondering how my whole world flips so quickly. I keep wondering how on earth will I ever be able to just remain steady for more than just a short time. How can I GET MOTIVATED to find the true joy in my heart. It's nearly Christmas, for cryin' out loud!?!?! Where's my thankful heart? Where's that faith I had as a baby Christian? Where did I screw up this time? And please tell me how on earth I can get motivated to fix myself and why do I have so much trouble asking the One who can help fix me FOR help... ugh. Because I am a weak believer. That sums it up. Something has happened to me and I just can't figure it out. I am not strong in my faith. I used to be and I may appear to be at times when things are great, for that's when I truly seek out the Lord. It's in these hard times that I slam the door shut and run and hide under the blankets and then wonder why I suck. I am a weak Christian and it is hard to admit. But maybe that's the start of me leveling out my world. Maybe admitting it will help me to see that I'm weak because I am not consistent in any way shape or form. I'm not consistent. At all. And I am guessing that I am answering my own questions with this one answer: I am inconsistent. I change. I'm human. I stop doing the things that I need to do.

Three things come to mind with this ridiculous post:

1. Maybe having a baby just does this to me for a while....makes my emotions blow everything out of proportion. I went nuts-o after my second (we all know that...although PART of that was the BC).
2. Maybe the reason our church's discipleship program has been hanging in the back of my head for MONTHS is because I need to go through it!! hello! wake up Brooke!
3. Maybe I need a real true accountability partner that will REALLY hold me accountable and REALLY tell me how it is and will REALLY kick my booty when I need it! I'm not sure how to find that. I can't say I've ever had that, but I think I need it.


ps. I realize that I am ridiculous and that I need a good swift kick in the rear.

2 comments:

  1. Brooke~
    I dont know you but i think EVERYONE has gone though this at some time or another and once you are in a funk its hard to get out of it!! You have to believe in god and KNOW that in your heart and MIND that he will walk beside you EVERY step of the way!! No matter how HIGH or how LOW your roller coster goes!!Take baby steps to tackle each one of your problems and know that physically it wont be fixed over night.... and always rememeber though christ everything and anything can happen... Just believe whole heartedly and he will see you though anything!!Take care and if you need to vent or you need to talk let me know... Oh yeah and as far as airring dirty laundry thats what the blogs are for to tell the world how you feel!!! LET IT OUT!!!

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  2. You are not ridiculous!! You are REAL-and that's what I love about you. (well one thing, anyways) I admire your ability to let it all out to the world, as you can tell from my dusty blog that is just not something I am good at. I am praying for you my sweet friend! Love you!

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I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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