Thursday, February 18, 2010

sonogram

Today was rough. again. I just can't figure out what is making my sweet babe so fussy. He's usually such a happy little dude. I don't see any buds in his mouth, although I noticed his top two front gums are slightly swollen. But he's not chewing excessively, drooling, or running fever (although I'm still not sold on the whole 'kids run fever when they're teething' thing). He is also not tugging on his ears. He's having regular dipes and is eating well. So I just don't know what is going on. One thing I do know is that Satan is trying to undo everything I'm trying to do. And that seems to make things about 100 times more difficult. But I refuse to give him the satisfaction of winning.

After lunch today, Toby came home with something behind his back. He said he got something for me. We're not gift givers. Not because we don't love each other or whatever, but because it is neither of our love languages. (If you haven't read The Five Love Languages... you so should). So when he finally revealed what was behind his back, it was a book. Oh he knows the way to my heart. I LOVE to read. So much. And it was a book he knew I'd love. It's the last book to a series I read over a year ago and I was so excited he gifted it to me. He knows me and I love that. And I love him. So much. He's pretty much my soul mate...

{my new book and the new blob...er, baby}
(if you're unfamiliar with how ultrasounds look, the baby is the gray part INSIDE the really dark tear shaped part. I know it's tiny)

So at 3:30, I had my appointment, but saw the doctor around 4pm. I was nervous going into that room. We'd been in that ultrasound room both when there was a heartbeat, and when there wasn't. I went alone today because Toby kept the boys. (It's a sacrifice you make when you decide to keep popping out kids. Sometimes you miss out on stuff). Anyways, I sat in there waiting for what felt like forever. All I could do was pray. I was 10 weeks pregnant. The point where I could lose the baby any day according to my past. So I just prayed for God to take my worries and my anxiety and my fears away. I tried my hardest to fully lay it all at his feet. But struggled to do so. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. I was scared, to be honest. And shaking. 

When he did come in there and I laid back on the table and he started the sonogram, I noticed his hesitation. And he only said, "Well..." then paused. It seemed like a long pause. Then the words I had been waiting for.... "There's the heartbeat." But I could tell something was up by how he was talking. The baby was measuring smaller than he expected. And I could tell it wasn't as developed as a 10 week old blob should be. Then, he simply gave me my new due date... Sept. 30th. That puts me at only 8 weeks. How did I get my dates so wrong... I'll explain. If there are any dudes who read my blog (I really don't think they are, but if so...) you might wanna just skip this next part. I'm pretty honest....

My last (and only one since I was preggo with Jonyn) period was Dec. 10th. I have breastfed 100% since J was born. The only time that was different was when I had to go a full week nursing once a day due to antibiotics for an ear infection I had. I figured the nursing less caused the cycle in December. That means I should have ovulated around the 24th. And if I was going to have another period it was due around January 6th. See, I wasn't sure if I'd have another cycle because I was back to nursing J full time since after that week of meds I was on.  Apparently what has happened is that my ovulation went all crazy and I ovulated around January 6th and well... conceived then. And now we're having a baby.

Either all that is true... or this baby is underdeveloped. We will see in the weeks to come. God has it planned out. I know this in my head. And I trust him to do what is best for our family. I'm still holding off on celebrating this little life until we are passed the 10 week mark. Some may see this as not truly trusting the Lord, but I see it as protecting my heart. As not getting carried away too quickly with the unknown at my door step. I just can't do that to myself again. God will take care of me and my heart should something happen, but I am still going to hold tightly on to my emotions until I feel we are a little more in the clear. Yes, God is in control, and Yes I hear you when you say everything will be fine. I get it. I understand it in my head. But my heart will not celebrate and jump for joy just yet. I'm trying to place this pregnancy in the Lord's hands, but I'm holding tightly to my heart's emotions. It's a difficult thing to know you should be celebrating but the happiness is just not there yet. I hope it will come, but history tells me that you just never know what will happen. I'm not necessarily worried, but these things float in the back of my head.... that I should be cautious.

Like I said, Satan is trying terribly hard to chew me up and spit me out. I can feel it. I can see it. But I absolutely refuse to give that creature the victory again. I've failed miserably in the past many times over. But I'm not giving up this time. I've given up before and it's ugly. I won't do it again. My husband and my babies need me to live life according to God's plan, not the devil's. And I want to be a living example for my kids. Not just speak it or type it. I want to live it. Daily. It's so tough. Life is very hard when you have small children... I think it's harder when you have more than one. But I must make sure Satan doesn't win and God's glory prevails in my life.




ps... when Taylan saw the sonogram picture, he said, "Aw, he's so cute!"

1 comment:

  1. I just got the "5 love languages" book one for me and one for the hubby. I'm going to try to have us read it at the same time.

    PS found you through You Capture, thanks for the comment on my blog as well. (Orange Shoes)

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I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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