Wednesday, February 24, 2010

tonight

It's church night. Tonight that means that I'm like two weeks behind on my Beth Moore study and I feel like I won't ever catch up. It means I can't get away from this one thing that always brings me down...myself. I can't seem to get up early to do my study in the quiet. I can't seem to do it at night because the baby won't go to sleep and stay that way until I do. I just feel like I'm drowning in laziness all over again. My house is a complete wreck after having it all nice and tidy over the weekend. How does this always happen? I feel like I'm the only one who picks up after myself, and well, everyone else. My kids are old enough to clean up what they mess up, but no matter how many times I say it and lead by example, they.will.not.listen!! It's making me crazy that I say the same things everyday and it makes zero difference. It's making me crazy living in a messy house day after day. It's stressing me out just a little bit.

I really pray to God to make me into a morning person, to change my body's chemistry to WANT to get up early, to automatically wake up and be happy. I truly feel that if I was full of morning sunshine, my life would look a lot different. So much would get done around here. I would be spending so much more time with the Lord. And while I know what I'm missing out on by not rising early, I'm just so tired by the time morning comes around. I'm then so tired by the time the afternoon gets here too. I feel like I can't enough sleep even when I go to bed early. Yes, the tiredness is mostly pregnancy related, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I just want to change and be someone different, but can't seem to do it. I'm never going to get out of this hole. No matter how many times things start looking up and getting better, it seems I will always fall right back to where I don't want to be.

I'm back at that place where I know what I need to do, but just can't seem to do it. All in a matter of weeks. And do you know what's the hardest thing in the world for me? It's knowing that I have friends, some really great friends, but still feeling lonely. That is something I have struggled with almost my whole adult life. (I'm not out looking to place guilt trips, this is just one of my many flaws and struggles). It's difficult for me and I know it's something I let get in the way of doing what I need to do. And I also know part of it is being a stay at home mom with limited adult contact and conversation.

Ugh, I just wanna be better... but instead, I feel like a failure.

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