Tuesday, March 23, 2010

go away yesterday!

I have found a love for blogging. Although I'm always pretty sure like two people MIGHT read it on a good day. Randomly, someone will tell me, Hey, I read your blog! In my head I'm always like Nuh-huh. Really? No way! But then I'm like THANKS! Way cool! Google Analytics even verifies that it gets read, but it doesn't make me believe it anymore. I blog more for me than anyone else, as a way to look back on my life someday and pass my life on to my kids as something tangible they can read and remember. MAYBE with a few life lessons it. Though, probably not many. More of, don't do what I did, kids. But when I do see that someone has read it, it makes me think, Gee, I bet at least ONE of those people understand what I'm talking about right now. It really makes me feel like someone gets what I'm going through (even if no one actually says they get it, I like to believe they do) and it makes me feel a little less alone in my struggles....

Ever have those days when the things from yesterday linger through to today? That's how it is for me today. My yesterday was pretty awful, I'll admit. And today, it just won't go away. Yesterday is still hanging around, still giving me the same feelings today. Leave already! Partly, though, it is my fault that yesterday is still lingering. I have a hard time just letting things go. A real hard time. Especially when it comes to the family.

Yesterday actually started pretty good. I slept good for once and was feeling motivated to get some things done around here. First time in a long time....since just before I found out I was expecting number four. I accomplished a lot between [eating and] caring for two of my kids, even after the bloody nose thing happened. I'll explain that later.

{this was a few hours later}

I'm really not sure who shed more tears yesterday between Jonyn, Kanyon, and myself. It was OOgly. Not pretty at all. It's frustrating when my five year old would rather just cry and throw a whopper of a fit instead of let me talk to him. (Like his big bro does. He will communicate every time). Kanyon just cries. It's so frustrating. I dealt with that on through the evening hours. Even after dinner. That's when I lost it.

I really feel like maybe I might not should be telling you all this, but I'm going to. I was upset with Toby at this point. (I won't go into detail about why because I don't want to bash my husband, nor do I want any opinions formed of him by one negative thing that happens between US. All wives get upset at least sometimes). So when Kanyon starting acting like he was two again, I lost it. Not beat my child lost it. Just I'm gonna yell at you really loud so you're good and scared lost it. I saw what was happening but felt like I couldn't stop. I was taking my anger out for someone else on my child. It was ugly and wrong and terrifying (to me). But of course, sometimes our kids (or our husbands, depending on the situation) become easy targets. We want to unleash on someone and suddenly forget who we're talking to. He's five. I had no right to scream like I did. I had no right to scare him. Although that wasn't my intent, it happened. And I regretted it as soon as it happened. After I had a good cry session over my lack of control (and other things), I went and hugged him as hard as I could without hurting him and apologized to him and then vowed to myself to never take anything out on him like that again. I was an ugly soul in that moment. A very ugly soul. He is our most difficult child, but he's just that - a child. I wondered and asked why God allowed me another child if I was just going to act like that and do something so stupid and be a bad parent. He wasn't physically hurt, I assure you. I could never do something like that. But I do scare myself every now and again with the rage I can muster up sometimes. Not just at them, at life in general.

I feel guilty. A lot. Not just over yesterday. But over the kind of parent I am. People who 'know' me but don't REALLY 'know' me sometimes say You're such a good mom. Then I think, if you only knew how much I yell. How much I ground. How much I send boys to their rooms. How much I say no and go away. You might not be saying that I'm such a good mom. I fail my kids everyday. In many ways. It's hard and it's a hard reality to face and fess up to. But I'm human and make MANY mistakes. All I can do is the best I can do and ask for their forgiveness when I mess up as a parent. Which is often. I don't always know what's best for my kids or how to handle certain situations, but I pretend to. Cause I'm the MOM. But I'm also a woman who feels she doesn't deserve the title MOM. Yet, it's been given to me 3 (almost 4) times. God knows best, but it's hard to see that he thinks I deserve to be Mom to these four kids.

I love them with everything I have in me. But this Mom gig is tough stuff. And sometimes, I just don't know what the heck I'm doing. And I let events from yesterday dictate my today and what I will do with my feelings and thoughts today. Sure, what's done is done, but it doesn't mean my five year old forgot. It doesn't mean he's not worried about me yelling and getting in his face again. It doesn't mean he says me the exact same way as he did BEFORE I lost my ever-lovin' mind. His image of me may have changed. My image of me changes when I act like an idiot. Idiot though I may be, I love my boys something fierce and I MUST do better. I WILL do better in the future. I taught my self a lesson the hard way. And I have learned from it.

I do thank the good Lord for my babies. They are precious and a gift I often take for granted.

{early yesterday morning}

1 comment:

  1. I feel ya.. I feel bad on some days cause i will start yelling at my 8 month old!!! I mean hello she has no clue or no reason to be yelled at but at times i will find myself yelling at her, or our dog.. I know i am guilty of taking my anger out on my husband cause he is a easier target then the real person i am mad at!!As far as judgement i would say if there is 1 person out there that can honestly say they dont fight with the S.O. I would say either 1 you havent been together very long 2. arent with each other that much or 3 you are not being honest.As far as being a bad mom cause you lost your cool, you are human and have faults everyone does.. I like to think even the perfect moms from the 40's and the 50's lost their cool at some point..


I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.


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