Sunday, March 28, 2010

my emotional self

Last week was such an emotional one. For a couple of different reasons. One of them I won't talk about because I will hurt feelings and I don't want to be asked who or why. But probably the biggest reason was finally admitting that my marriage was stuck in a nasty rut. We weren't fighting or arguing a lot. But a lot of my frustrations just finally came to the surface. Not frustrations over Toby, but over our whole marriage. We've been living more like roomies than husband and wife. And while I love my husband with all my heart, we just got stuck in the same 'ole, same 'ole. Less conversation than we used to have. Less hugging. Less actually looking at each other. Less spending quality time together. Less everything. And I was just finally done with being tired of having such a dull marriage. I was so sad over how we are now. Even on Wednesday night, I started crying in the middle of watching Beth Moore's video. I'm pretty sure no one noticed and I'm pretty glad about that....because she didn't say anything in particular that made me start crying, but suddenly, tears were falling and my lip was quivering and I could not stop it no matter how hard I tried. I'm truly surprised my shoulders didn't start shaking with sobs. I kept it kind of under control. I was glad. It's hard to be that vulnerable in a giant room with a bunch of women. And I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to explain myself if anyone asked anyways. So I darted out as soon as it was over not looking up or looking at anyone. Just going straight to pick up my baby.

It was like I suddenly saw US in a new light. So dull, so boring, so out of touch with each other. So seemingly uncaring. Though I know we both care. But how do you start trying to repair things. We weren't ugly to each other. We weren't seeking out companionship else where. We weren't doing anything TO each other on purpose. We just weren't doing anything at all. And that was so hard for me to admit to myself, let alone to say to Toby: I'm not happy...do you see what's happening here? But once I did say those things (in other terms), we were able to sit and talk and discuss and be purposeful about how to start rebuilding the fiery relationship we once had.

Yes, we've had three kids and one more on the way, but is that really an excuse to let our marriage slide? No. I don't think so. And I won't use it as an excuse, and I wouldn't want anyone else to look at us and say, but you've had kids and blah blah blah. It's no reason to put each other last. And that's the very thing we have done. When we talked, we both realized we wanted to change for ourselves and each other. I realized on Wednesday night, too, that I needed to work on ME. I have flaws and issues I need to work out with me and God. One thing I have problems with is not being able to turn of the stinkin' TV. So a quick fix is that I canceled Netflix. I just need to be sure I don't let the computer replace all the time I spent watching the tube.

I also have a LOT of body issues. They got really bad before I got pregnant with Jonyn. I'll be honest with you. I was 200 pounds. The heaviest of my life. I've lost quite a bit of weight since then, but I haven't lost my view of my body image. I still feel and look 200 pounds when I look in the mirror. Toby sees ME, not my weight when he looks at me and can't understand why I'm having body issues [he's a man]. But I do, and it changes intimacy a bunch when you feel bad about your body. And that'll make any relationship suffer. And I feel guilty for feeling bad about my body. But I don't know how to change those feelings right now. And I told him that I need him to understand I can't make myself feel fabulous overnight and he will have to be patient with me.

We also discussed the kids and how not only are we missing out on each other, but we're missing out on our kids because we're so engrossed in other things to keep us distracted from the truth of our marriage. I can't miss out on our kids' lives. I won't. I love them so much and I do NOT want them to feel like they grew up with out of touch parents that weren't invested in them. I can't handle that. I grew up with an out of touch dad, and I just can't do that to my babies. So we talked about how to fix and change our parenting.

Then we went on to discipline and how we are going to start parenting differently. No screaming. No yelling. No spanking. It'll be hard since we can both easily lose our patience. But I do believe it'll be well worth it.

So here's to working on me, my marriage, and my parenting. Only with God's help can I do this. I am committing to spending time in the Word at some point everyday. I try to in the mornings, but sometimes it's hard with a little toddler requiring so much of my time and attention. But even if I do it at night, I think things will start to get better. I'm not sure how people look at Toby and me and see our marriage. But it's not perfect. But well worth working on and making better. I'm also very thankful for a husband that can see the problem and not deny it and agree that we need to work on things.

I love him. And I want him to feel my love for him. And see it. And know it'll always be there.

4 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing. Every marriage goes through this, that is why it is work. It is great that you were able to talk to your husband about it, some women can't and the divide grows deeper. You are blessed to be able to evaluate and refocus. Be excited.. this kind of change is GOOD! :)

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  2. I am so excited for you!! And can't wait for June...taking a trip to Florida just the two of you will probably cause the two of you to feel refreshed!! Angelina is right...every one goes through these seasons...it's how you handle them that show how STRONG and how in love you are!! I love you friend...and if you ever need anything, you know how to find me!!

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  3. Brooke,

    I have a pretty long comment for this but am not done with it.. But i wanted to invite you to be a reader on my prvite blog.. I just dont know what email to send the invite too.. :)

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  4. You could have pulled this blog right out of my own head!
    Tommy and I have weathered many seasons and each one a little different. Just like the yearly seasons, our marriages do the same. Many marriages end because no one noticed the change. Others end because when they did notice the ole 'fight or flight' kicked in but neither knew what to do with the knowledge. From my vantage point it appears the fight is on and a stronger, better season is coming.

    Don't you just love spring time in marriage?! :)

    Hold tight to God, Toby and the kids... no doubt you will wake up one morning with more life… in your life. ;)

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I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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