Sunday, April 4, 2010

week 6

I've been making sure I do my Beth Moore bible study (Breaking Free) every day lately. I want to finish. And while we're actually supposed to be on the last week. I am only on week 6. And so far it has touched me in ways I never knew possible. So far, my favorite week. It's titled Beauty from Ashes. I'm only on Day 2. Day 3 will be tonight.

A quote from Beth Moore made me feel like I am doing the right thing. I am letting all parts of my life be on display. I'm showing you who I really am. I'm being me. And I'm being honest. I am a struggling, and at the moment, a weak Christian who sins and fails. She said "...our society is tending toward a frightening reduction of emotions. Squelching emotions only stores them in explosive containers. God's Word constantly recognizes our emotional side". I LOVE that. I love that it's okay to have emotions and feelings. It makes my world so much easier knowing that it is absolutely okay to feel. To hurt. To love. To be a real person. Sure it's hard to let people SEE me cry. But I really feel like it's okay when I do. I often do when I'm doing my study. Almost every time because something touches my heart just so. During music at church sometimes, I feel so loved by God and moved that I nearly cry and I feel so okay about it. In the car sometimes, something will strike me and get me all emotional. Just at random times even. It's awesome feeling comfortable having emotions.

Day 2 really made me cry. It's titled 'To Be A Bride'. After reading through it and seeing some of the scripture referenced, wow, did I ever wake up with a different feeling this morning when I looked in the mirror. It finally clicked that God sees me (and all women) as beautiful. I only see my flaws and flubber and skin issues (I've been dealing with psoriasis on my body for about two years now) and bad hair days and chubby face. He can see beyond all that and even over looks it. It's amazing to me. And today, when I first glanced into the mirror, I didn't grimace. It has been a VERY long time since I've seen myself as something more than plain and unattractive. He sees ME. The real me. The me on the inside. And He thinks both my inside and out are beautiful. I was in awe and in tears when doing this day of the study. I woke up and saw that to HIM I am beautiful and it made me FEEL better about myself. I walked with just a little more confidence today. Yes, I'm heavy and have many flaws, but today.... today, I looked past that in the mirror and was happy with what I saw.

In her study, she talks about spending lots of time with the Lord, more than before and she says, "I've grown closer to my Bridegroom than ever before, which miraculously makes me closer to my earthly mate." I read that and my first thought was how I so desire that to be my story. It isn't the first time I've read where becoming closer to Jesus will ultimately bring you closer to your spouse. It just hit really close to home this time since Toby and I are struggling with reconnecting. How awesome would it be to be in a more intimate relationship with Jesus only to have a more intimate relationship with your husband? I LOVE that so much. And while it's possible that it may sound odd to an unbeliever, I think it makes perfect sense. And I dig it!

Day 3 is entitled 'To Be Beautiful' and I can NOT wait to dive in! It turns out that doing my quiet time in the evenings is much better for me. It works for this night owl, non-morning person. And I am learning to be okay with and accept that I am just not made for mornings. I am a night time lover and it is so okay!

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