Saturday, May 1, 2010

my mother's words


A Mother's Agony

Well, I really wanted to say something about my child.  I am Brooke's mother, I LOVE her dearly.  The other day when I got the news this baby was going to be a boy, my first thought was, there will be a fifth one!  My second thought was LORD, please forgive me.  You see, it has nothing to do with Brooke's babies or my grandchildren.  It's all about MY child.  My child, soon to be the mother of 4, then 5. My child who lives 8 hours away from me, and there is no reasonable time to get to her, just 8 hours between here and there.  My child suffers alot of pain when she is bearing these children.  The last few months are painful for her because of her hip.  I can do nothing for her.  I feel so helpless. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that she has friends, and a 2nd  MOM to help her, but I want to be the one to do that, she's my child.  I want to be the one she calls when she needs time alone with Toby, or just some peace and quiet. I want to be the one to spend time with my grandkids, I have already missed so much of their lives. When they first moved to Texas, it was OK, they needed time to grow together and rely on each other.  Now with 3 1/2 children, they need me, as much as the other grandparents here.  I need them. I have thought about this today, and tried to explain to my friends what this is about.  I wasn't upset about the sex of the baby, has nothing to do with that precious being.  It's about my child, the one I gave birth to.  When your kids are small, you really don't think too much about them being older or an adult.  I didn't.  Now that I have adult children, I agonize over them, pray for them, constantly.  Miss them terribly. I know GOD will take care of them and their needs.  But I want to watch my grandkids grow up. I want to be there for them, I love the phone calls, but I want to experience everything first hand.  Sounds selfish?? Maybe. But I need them to be a part of my everyday life, not a picture here and there, or a phone call.  Everyday.  I don't ever get to see either of my adult children, and the 8 hour trip gets harder to make on me physically, my son works away in the oil field.  I LOVE them all, my kids, their spouses, and grandkids.  I just wish I was involved more in their lives. Maybe, just maybe, someday the good LORD will make a way for Brooke and her family to move home or at least closer. Maybe. Then we can all (siblings, in-laws, grandkids) enjoy the comforts of family, together.

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posted by Lisa McClurg. My mom. THE best Mom.


A note from me:
My own heart desires to live closer to home. My husband, on the other hand, is content where we are. I understand her heart's conflict in part (I don't have grown children, or grandkids). I understand the desire to want to be together as a whole family...with grandparents, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles. I get it. I want it. But we all get that before we can go anywhere, God must tell us to do so. He must prompt our hearts. Plus, there must be jobs in place with decent pay, enough that I can still stay home since we'll have small babies, and big kids who are home for the summers. Other things will have to fall into place as well, but mostly... It's the Lord we wait on. Sometimes, not so patiently. But patience I must learn.

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