Tuesday, July 13, 2010

this place called nowhere

Things in my life are going pretty good right now. Except that I spend entirely too much time in front of my computer lately, editing, web browsing, blog stalking reading, looking at Flickr photos from other people, FBing, figuring out ways to grow my business. I am flawed. That's no secret. But I've been neglecting things. Not just the dishes. Not just the laundry. But my spiritual life.

It's so weird to me because for like a week, I've been trying to find the right word that describes how I'm feeling and where I'm at. Do I believe in God? Absolutely. Do I trust Him? Yes. Do I love Him? Yes. Do I obey Him? No. Not at all, lately.

See, things HAVE been great. Life is just moving right along. No sad stories for me, no feelings of being in a dark place. I don't feel down in the pits. I actually feel happy. But JOY? I don't think there's true joy right now.

Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I act like it? No. I don't read my Bible. Do I trust Him? Yes. Does it show? No. I don't pray lately. I don't rely on Him. I do things myself. Do I love Him? Yes. Does He feel that love? I would seriously doubt it. I don't pray, as I just said, so I don't talk to Him. I don't thank Him everyday, I don't tell him I love Him. I don't do things for others. I don't do things simply to glorify Him. I don't live FOR Him. I live for me right now. I'm just stuck in a place that FEELS okay, but really is void of all things having to do with God.

Honestly? It sucks to admit. And we all know that I go through ups and downs A LOT. I'm thankful that God always takes me back. That He loves me so much. That He forgives me for acting so foolish, so all-about-me, so dumb. He forgives me for putting Him on the back burner, for being self-centered.

Our worship leader on Sunday, said something that struck a chord and it totally describes me. It describes the place where I'm at, and those words haven't left me yet. While he was praying He said the words... "ignoring God all together." Those words say it all in my life right now. It brought me to my knees, tears to my eyes I couldn't discreetly hide as I usually try to do. It was THE moment I realized I need to commit myself wholly to God. To start figuring out what in my life I need to let go of... what things have such a grip on me that I can so easily ignore the One who died for my sins, the One who breathed life into me, the One who blessed me with the perfect husband [for me] and beautiful babies I don't deserve?

I know what those things are, and I have to change my focus. I'm so worried about trying to grow my business with clients to feel like I'm talented, trying to find affirmation through Facebook with the photos I post. Trying to find SOMEONE to tell me that I am good, that I'm accepted. That I am worth it. That I am needed in some way. Why has my focus turned to that lately? Probably because I have not sought out my God for what I need. I've turned to worldly things, instead of my Lord. And trust me people, it's hard to admit that I seek YOUR approval so much lately. Kind words are nice, but I have to stop deliberately seeking them out so I can feel like I'm worth something. I wish I had a scripture reference, but I have not been in the Word enough lately. I have failed God yet again.

The only verse that has been coming back to me over and over again is Psalm 51:12: "Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you."

It's starting with obedience: being in the Word, and prayer. Changing priorities. Through these things, I know I can be a better Christ follower and servant, Wife, and lastly, Mom. Those things matter... not being a talented photographer, which is how I've defined myself so much lately. So while things seem great to me, I know deep down, I am a mess who once again, is re-committing to my God to try and be what he desires me to be, what he made me to be.

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