Saturday, September 11, 2010

my stack of good intentions

All these books are stacked just like this on my night stand. The top one I just received. It's our newest Bible study for the women at our church. I didn't sign up for it, but it was assumed I'd be doing it, which kinda makes me feel obligated to do it. But at the same time, I am just about to have a new baby, so I kinda wanna skip it this time around. Besides, I'm about to start a different one on Sunday with a different group of people. After a while, I think too many studies at once get me confused at which is which and trying to keep them straight and separated gets tough. Or maybe I'm just full of excuses.

Honestly, when I got home with that top book, I sat down on the edge of my bed, looked at my stack and thought with a sigh, "Well, I'll just stack this up with my other good intentions." Some of them I got and started reading. Some, I got and never started, because, they would be next on my list and wow, I bet that book could help me a lot! Some I've read nearly all the way through when I let myself (or life) get in the way of finishing it up. And now, I've forgotten what those nearly finished books were all about.

I whole heartedly struggle with consistency in my life. Not just reading things that I get in hopes of making real change, but my whole life. Keeping a schedule, keeping my house picked up and organized, staying in the Word, staying in prayer, consistent discipline, consistent marriage building. There's been countless times I've said I'm starting over... giving myself a fresh start and really diving in. I flop. A lot. I fail. A lot. It always comes down to me being consistent. I'm not. I want to be. But it's one of my greatest struggles. I find that I'm overcoming my laziness struggle ever so slowly. But this one - consistency - is just as tough for me.

How can I overcome and fix it this? I don't know. I just don't know. I want to get through my stack of good intentions and call it my stack of life supporting tools that I've finished and applied. Praying and reading the Bible seem to be the right answer in most of these situations, but really? If I'm so inconsistent, do you think I will really be able to just do that so simply? No. It's hard for me. I let other things become a priority. Like my latest novel, or sleep, or Facebook. Dumb FB. I so consider canceling it on a daily basis. Then I make an excuse and don't do it. That's right, I can make an excuse for anything. And it will sound so legit.

There are other issues I want to talk about, but can't... really won't right now. Other things I'm dealing with. Nothing bad or awful, just personal at the moment, something I want to keep private. I want to get past this issue of inconsistency, I really do... I'm tired of saying it's a new day and I'm starting over. Though, I'm completely thankful for all the chances God gives us. The many times He forgives, the many times He welcomes us back with open arms, embraces us like we never wronged Him, because we are His children, His loves. I'm so thankful and I want so badly to stop failing Him... but I do fail. everyday....

1 comment:

I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.


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