Tuesday, October 26, 2010

geez...

Last week and now into this week have been THE most frustrating weeks I have had in a long time. I can't seem to keep my house in order. I can't seem to figure out why Jonyn wants to throw non-stop fits the whole time he is awake. I can't seem to get up and stay awake. I kinda feel like my life is in a state of disarray. Things seem so off balance. Simple tiny things that most people say OOPS to are making me so incredibly annoyed. Sloshed a few drops out of my drink this morning. That resulted in a near cursing episode. (And I don't say dirty words, people. That's how annoyed I've been). It's those small things that are adding up to be one giant piece of frustration.

My hair? Yep. Totally annoyed with it. Chopped it all off. I love it, but I was seriously trying to grow it out. But the wash and blow dry and style the lady gave me were so relaxing that it is totally worth the money for me to cut my hair once a year. That's about how often I get it cut. After I got home last night, it was nothing but crying from Jonyn. That's how it's been all day everyday lately. He'll find joy in something for about 30 minutes. Then I'll get a couple hours of crying. Stress-FULL. Those are my days. FULL of stress.

I'm trying to wake up early. I am. I'm setting my alarm and trying. I'm going to bed at a descent hour. I'm reading something useful before I fall asleep. I'm not getting caught up in a book or watching tv on the laptop. I'm doing it right. I'm praying before I fall asleep. I'm talking to Jesus AS I fall asleep, which is so refreshing by the way.

Then Jonyn wakes up, comes to our bed, pulls my hair violently EVERY.TIME.I.GET.TO.SLEEP and wakes me up. Oh, and he kicks, cause... he's throwing yet another fit. So by the time I'm totally out, it's later than it should be. And a couple hours after that, the baby wakes up and is soaking wet and hungry.

So needless to say, sleep? I didn't get much. I haven't been. So when my alarm went off? Brennen was hungry and I was exhausted. I decided that when the older two went to school, I'd have my quiet time while Jonyn ate breakfast. And guess what. I tried really really hard to read my Bible and journal. Jonyn decides it's time for yet another fit. Great. Just what I needed. Then I think.... can't God just keep him happy for 30 minutes?? So I can spend time with Him? Or is He trying to tell me to get up early despite the fact that I will doze in and out while I'm trying to read my Bible. Cause that's what happened yesterday. I couldn't stay awake. And I tried really hard. I was sitting up, not laying down. I had something to drink. I wanted to be fully present before God, but I could not keep my eyes open. It makes me think what the heck is the point if a baby wakes me up several times at night and a toddler comes to our bed only to wake me some more making it near impossible for me to keep my eyes open early the next morning.

I'm struggling. Big time. "My spirit is willing, but my body is weak." Matthew 26:41. Yep. That's me right now. I so desire to  have this time alone with my Savior. Yet, I am truly exhausted by morning. Really, just all the time. Night time is no piece of cake either. Getting all four kids to bed is.not.easy.

So my point? I'm tired. And frustrated. And I don't know how to get it together. In fact, I'm sitting here nursing the baby and trying to fight off Jonyn as I type. He's throwing a fit. Again. Awesome. I feel like when I really really try to get my spiritual life on track, I am attacked from every side, in every part of my life. And it makes it so hard to be obedient. And that makes me feel like a failure. How am I supposed to be fruitful if I can't even get myself in line? I really don't know how to fight off those attacks. I don't.

All this amounts to a very frustrated wife, mom, and Christian. And I break my own heart.

4 comments:

  1. What you need is a wife!! :o) Life throws us wives/mommies/daughters of the King stones sometimes!! You need help...you need a moment alone...you need some 'you' time. If you aren't taking care of yourself how can you take care of everyone else? I know sometimes it feels like the most important thing is making sure your family is getting everything they need but in the mean time you sacrifice yourself. No one will argue that the mom is the cornerstone of the family...the one who keeps everything together and holds everything up...if that stone is cracked, everything else will crumble. So make your needs a priority because they so are!! After that, everything else will fall into place. And request help...there's no shame in it. There are plenty of people who would love to help you!! I'm one of them!! :o) I love you so much friend! Hang in there! This, too, shall pass...He never gives us more than we can handle!! **BIG HUGS**

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  2. Brooke you are human! And it's okay! And He's caught me every time I fall and I know He will catch you too!

    Ack. Those first few weeks are hard. The transition for the little (now big) brother is tremendously hard. He's not used to having to share his Mommy like that. I feel for him too.

    Again, how I wish we lived closer. I'll just have to send you prayers instead.

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  3. Oh, my baby girl, wish I was there to give you a hand. Fact is, if you are not getting attacked daily, you are not living right. The more you live right, the more attacks you can expect.
    Jess is right, Jonyn is not used to mommie spending so much time with someone else. I think it's just a phase, but unfortunately, it takes time to get thru. But he will.
    And Liz is right too, take care of yourself, and ask for help. You have many friends there who love you and would help, if you just ask.
    I Love you baby, I would do anything to help.
    Mom

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  4. I understand your feelings....being mom to one child is hard and being mom to more than one, two, three or more is even harder! It is so rewarding at times and that is what you want to tell everyone, how great it is to be a mom when reality is that at most times it is just plain hard and thankless. I, too struggle with finding time alone with Christ and taking time for myself and get in this cycle of frustration that seems to never end. I also have the same feelings in regards to sleep...Amelia has yet to sleep though the night at 9 months. On one hand I love cuddling and nursing her in the middle of the night still b/c I miss her all day and its a nice quiet time for the both of us; but at the same time every night when I put her to bed I plead with God for this to be the night where I get more than 3-4 consecutive hours of sleep, I mean come on after almost a year a mom needs to get some restful sleep!! Its tough, I know and I will pray for you and I do hope you can find time to yourself even if its while you are in the shower or driving...those are the two times I make an effort to talk to God (just hope one day I don't get pulled over and tell the police man that is why I was speeding). I think He delights in even these short but honest and broken conversations because He knows its from the heart and it really does help. OK-now I'm going to bed as all are asleep and I can't complain about not resting when I don't take these golden opportunities! I pray that this phase passes quick and He sends you a gentle reminder very soon of why you are where you are and confirms your feelings and comforts you.

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I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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