Sunday, November 28, 2010

looking back

Today, as I was posting about our Christmas Tree Day, I wanted to look back to last year about this time and see if I posted anything about our tree then. I wanted to see how the kids have grown, where we had our tree, how small Jonyn was, that sorta stuff. We always video tape it, but I wanted to read about it. That's the book lover coming out in me.

It seems as though I was going through a pretty rough patch. December was a rough month for me last year. And since then, so much has happened. My marriage still has its ups and downs. Though no down has yet to compare to last year's, thankfully. That was all right before I got pregnant with baby four, our little Brennen.

We did have our issues after he was born though. I'm sure my hormonal emotions had something to do with it. And Toby not knowing what to do about me. But we are much better as a married couple than we were last year.

Being pregnant this last time was harder on me than the other times. I was just more tired and worn down. Not more sick, or in any more pain. Just more worn out. And that was hard to deal with. Go back before that, I had just had Jonyn, and I couldn't get my emotions in line then either. He's almost 21months now. So the poor dudes in my house have had to suffer for over 21 months of me being tired. worn out. dragging. cranky. moody. mean. negative. It's not been the prettiest two years of my life. Oh except for the two babies I have birthed. They are my one thing I have done really well.

And now, I can honestly say that I'm seeing glimpses of the care free girl I once was. Though I'm a Mom and will be reaching into my thirties in a flash, I still want to be fun. Spontaneous. Worry-less. Energetic (though that'll take some weight loss to get to that point). I want to be Mom and all those other things and then some. Is that even possible? I feel like it could be. Especially since tiny bits of the younger more life-filled me are coming out again. Being purposeful and doing things outside of my comfort zone are helping me get there too.
Also? Since I don't plan on getting pregnant again any time soon (I feel like God may be telling me that this is it, our whole family, all we can handle), I think I'm going to start my Project 365 again. I'm too lazy, tired, and cranky, and tired, and tired to do that kind of stuff when I'm pregnant. It's true. Remember when I tried? I only made it to day 49. Sad, sad times. It's because I got knocked up. Really, it's why I gave up.

But anyways, I think I may start December 1st. Since I've come so far in my life since about this time last year, I'd like to start soon.

My life is not perfect, but instead an ever growing process that takes commitment to see real change.

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