Wednesday, December 15, 2010

"The Nothing"

So I woke up this morning, feeling extremely inadequate. It happens from time to time.

I wake up. Feeling sorry for myself. Reminding myself of everything that's wrong.

I throw my own pity parties, and I usually only invite me. It's pretty pathetic.

But here I am today. There, at my own party. Alone. It happens.

My house isn't too messy. At least the front part. The back part, ew. Tornado alley, I'm pretty certain.

I have not made one single to-do list since the baby was born. Eleven weeks ago (today). Not one list. Strange.

Making one and crossing stuffs off gives me a sense of accomplishment. I should make one.

After all, there's lots to be done around here. Lots I have let slide. And yes, blah, blah, new mom excuse, blah, blah. But he does sleep you know. And rather well.

He naps for several hours during the day. And...

in fact, most nights, he sleep straight through. The rest of the time, he wakes up once. Once.

It's pretty amazing. Except for my milk suppliers. Which usually hurt in the morning when he doesn't wake up. Which also prevent me from sleeping on my tummy. And sometimes cause a mess on the sheets. But that's okay. Sleep is sleep is sleep.

So I could do more. Instead. I waste time.

I am very good at wasting time.Very.

It allll goes back to my biggest problem (I think so, in my opinion). Laziness.  I'm so lazy. There, I said it again.

But now, it's not because I'm hung up on TV. Nope, it's just other stupid stuff I find myself doing around here that has no meaning and gets absolutely nothing accomplished.

I should cancel my FB, that would save me tons and tons of time. Seriously, why do I care so much? I tell myself... I'll check it once today and no more. Then, the next time I'm on the computer, it's the first thing I click. Why?

I blog. I'm happy with that. I read blogs. I love doing that. FB frustrates me sometimes, and other times, I frustrate myself over FB because I've sat and stared at the same things for 30 minutes.

Don't get me wrong, it provides great laughs and serious prayer requests sometimes, but why do I check it so often?

I tell myself I want to read more, pray more, keep my house more in order (the back half), sew more, bake more, photograph more, pick scrapbooking back up, go for walks, and other stuff too.

But instead. I.waste.time.

And in that time I've wasted, it's my life that I see wasting away in a big blur of nothingness.

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