Thursday, January 6, 2011

why oh why

Why on earth am I still awake after 1am, when I know good and well I will be worthless tomorrow for staying up so late tonight? It wasn't my intention. Here's the story:

Last night the babies had a little pow wow [or something] and decided it would be fun to stay up really late and make sure Mom and Dad stayed up late too. They thought it would be fun to starve Mom and Dad of alone time. Again. They even thought it would be funny, I'm sure. Because they knew that after a certain hour, Mom and Dad would fall fast asleep. Well, my dear babies, it's not cool, mkay? Stop it. Please. Please?
So today, Baby 4 goes down for a nap without a hitch. Latch that boy on and he's out when nap times rolls around. Boy 3 put up a bit of a fight. He is, afterall, nearly 2 now. But alas, he falls asleep in my arms. And because he is so busy all the time, I held him and smelled his hair and kissed his forehead and let him nap on me for two hours. And during that two hours, I may or may not have also fallen asleep. And napped.

Fast forward to this evening... Baby 4. He's excellent. A little food, his tummy's full, he's out. Boy 3? Yeah, he didn't go to sleep til late. Again. Enter, frustrated Mommy.
Why am I up when they're all asleep? I can't fall asleep. Nap for me = no good today. *sigh*

I'm so tired of my toddler not cooperating. Even the baby cooperates, most of the time anyhow. I need to nourish my marriage. I want to. I want to have real conversations with my lover without a busy toddler in our faces and a baby in our arms. Just for an hour. Heck, I'd even take 20 minutes. Sometimes, I want to spend time with him without tiny hands pulling my hair. Just a little bit of time. Just a little. I want to hug him. I just want to sleep next to him. Instead, I get arms and legs of a little human being splayed across my face every night. The kid always always winds up in our bed.
And yet, I feel selfish for wanting these things. For wanting evenings to be for me, not for Mommy me, but for Brooke me, and Wife me, and Whatever I Feel Like Doing me. It feels selfish, but I know I need some quiet sometimes. And I don't want that quiet to come at the expense of my mood. Staying up late makes me super cranky. And super unproductive. It's a vicious cycle right now, because in order to get quiet, I have to stay up past my bedtime after finally getting the babies to sleep. Or get up early after getting the babies to sleep late. See? Either way, I lose sleep and I'm cranky, or I just don't get quiet, alone time.
It's reasons like this I say I'm done birthing children. I'm ready for each of my kids to be self sufficient, although I know I will miss the fact that they need me so much once they don't. But then again, all the pregnant women I know are not helping me any! I already miss the aches and pains and beauty of carrying a child in my womb. Crazy how it works out that way. I do know that I absolutely do not want to have a baby after I'm 30, so we have 9 months to decide to try for number 5 [which would hopefully be a girly girl] or not. But I'm mostly pretty sure we're done. I think.

Dudes, I must be tired. That whole having babies thing was a little off the non-sleeping children subject. So with that, I'm going to edit photos or something til I feel sleepy.

Goodnight friends.

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