Wednesday, February 9, 2011

callin' me out

I've had a difficult couple of weeks. As a person in general. Not just as a Mom or Wife or one single thing, but as a whole person with all these different roles I am to fulfill.

Last night I went to bible study. Beth Moore. Need I say more?

Only, I'm pretty sure it wasn't Beth Moore speaking in her video, it was more like God speaking straight to my soul. Exactly the things I have been feeling, thinking, wondering about, were coming straight out of her mouth. It was strange. Five minutes in I started shaking my head, as in, angry that what she was saying was exactly what I needed to hear. I mean really? How could it be so dead on just when I needed it, though I didn't want to hear it?

God was calling me out right then and there in a room with a few other women. Seriously, God? Now? Yes now, because things are about to get way more out of control than they already are if we don't deal right here, right now. Okay, fine.

Tears. They were there, though I wouldn't allow them to fall on my face. The way my moods and attitudes have been lately are not god. The needs I want fulfilled, the very thing my soul is longing for is heavenward. Yet I'm sitting here looking around. Asking why my kids aren't doing what I want them to. Why my husband isn't playing the role I want him to. Why I have no time to myself. Why my house can't seem to get itself in order and stay that way so I can do the things I want to do more often, avoiding the things I need to do.

It's all me me me. Don't you see it? I do now. Now that God has opened my eyes in some supernatural way through a video I'm pretty sure he took over for an hour.

This anger in me. The way I suddenly want things to go exactly as I say and think they should. It isn't of God. This path of destruction I'm leaving is ugly. And destroying me and those most precious to me little by little. I see myself falling further and further away from the Truth. And at the same time I see how I long to be closer to Him. But just can't get myself there. And it frustrates me that I can't get there. The Spirit is willing but the Body is weak.

How do I overcome this flesh that is lazy and selfish and needy and dependent upon others? The simple answer is prayer and Bible. The hard part is doing those two things as a Mom of young children. I can't find my groove, a time when it's quiet in the house. I keep hearing over and over again to get up early, before the kids. My flesh has struggled with getting up early since I can remember. Since I was really young. I just don't know how to change it. I know in my head and my heart that I should just set the alarm and get up. But for me, it is so hard. So hard. I can't even tell you how badly I want to be a morning person who wakes up before dawn all cheery and smiley. I don't know how to do that.

I can see the problem, but don't know how to fix it. Somehow, all my issues always come back to getting up before everyone else for the quiet. So why can't I just do it? It's so irritating! I'm mad at myself for not being able to do it! It's probably why I feel so incredibly angry all the time.

Maybe I should start small, but where does starting small start?

1 comment:

  1. Oh Brooke, I wish I was there with you right now to give you a big hug. I love you so much, and to "see" you going through all this right now, well, I just hurt for you. Maybe you could talk to Toby and have him "take charge" of the house for 30 minutes when he gets home from work, and that 30 minutes is just for you to go back to your bedroom..alone, no kids allowed, and spend time with God.

    I used to beat myself up about not being a morning person too. I used to think that God wanted me to get up early in the morning, just to see Him. But I came to realize that God wants *me*. You know, the me He made. And that *me* is not a morning person. He wants me to be me, and to give *my* time to Him. My time isn't in the morning, it's usually late at night as I'm lying down in bed.

    Also, have you thought about getting the Bible on CD (or some other audio format)? Then you could listen while you were doing other thing (dishes, nursing, sewing, et cetera) and still keep your mind on Him and His word, while also being with your family and not feeling like you need to escape them to get that extra Bible time.

    Anyways, I really hope and pray that you come to a place where you feel at peace with yourself and your walk. (and maybe you already are, but I feel like you're struggling between who you really are, and who you *think* you should be)

    Love you!

    ReplyDelete

I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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