Monday, February 14, 2011

seeing a little light

The last few weeks have been bad. Last week, especially bad. I stopped doing everything. I yelled. A lot. Too much. I started feeling more and more out of control. My family has suffered. I have felt more guilt and regret than ever before.

I was battling with myself. Is this spiritual or physical? Is it the enemy or something more earthly? Why can't I feel good? Why can't I just be the happy person I know I am somewhere inside? Why does everything make me want to yell and scream and throw things? Why can't I control my anger? Why do I feel like it's so hard to breathe? Where did my joy go? Why is my whole family bothering me? Why don't I want to be around my precious children? I kept going through this over and over.

I was scaring myself with my outbursts of rage. Not anger, rage. I was scaring my children.

I went to the doctor today. I have a chemical imbalance. (I have PPD).

I had my fourth child four months ago. A sweet, easy going, happy little boy who sleeps wonderfully still to this day. He makes me smile. But only him lately. Nothing else. No one else.

After a long discussion with my doctor, I was put on meds. I had an email chat with a friend about this, but until today, I hadn't talked to anyone. I deal with things by keeping them bottled up until I almost explode. Healthy, I know. After the appointment, I finally told my husband what he already suspected but could do nothing about.

It is hard admitting I have a problem that can not be fixed by deep breaths and counting to ten. It is hard getting on this type of drug when I've never had a problem before. It is hard saying out loud that my anger is very much controlling me instead of me keeping it in check. And it is hard to accept that as a Mom of four, my body can not right itself at the moment, even after giving birth so many times now.

So medicine it is, and according to my pediatrician, I can still have a nursing relationship with my baby. Which is even more than I had thought possible. So to be able to get help through modern day medicine and still breastfeed my small child is even more than I could ask for.

In spite of all the bad that I have been causing lately, I'm very grateful for being able to get better and serve my family like they deserve to be.

3 comments:

  1. how do they test for a chemical imbalance? I sure hope the medicine helps you. It may take a while for it to work and thats completely normal.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Brooke, this is going to sound crazy, but... have you had your thyroid tested lately?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love you sister and I'm praying for you.

    ReplyDelete

I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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