Thursday, June 2, 2011

trippy business

I am in a weird place right now. It's hit. And it's hit hard.

Baby Fever.

"But you have an 8 month old," you say. Yes, yes, I do. And that is about the time I do or am ready to get pregnant again. I'm still breastfeeding strong. And haven't had a single cycle since Brennen. And have had only one since Jonyn. So in three years, there's been one month where I had a cycle. That was due to an ear infection that I had antibiotics for and couldn't nurse as often for fear of giving my baby thrush. But yes I know that's not an effective form of birth control. Except for me, it kinda is.

Anyways, I digress. My point, is I want another baby. I might be crazy. I know! But I do. I feel like we might could get our girl if we tried just one more time. Will we try? I don't know. Nothing is set in stone at this point. Although I keep saying no babies after 30. Which is next June.

But a teensy part of me wants to leave it totally up to God. Only a teensy part. I don't wanna have to get a giant van to haul my 25 kids around. (but more power to those that do! I think it's awesome). Mostly because [I can't drive those giant vans]. [At all]. I had a hard enough time adjusting to my Minivan after driving a smaller SUV. And my van currently will fit 5 kids. But I know I'll still want another, even if we had another. It's trippy how that business works, that baby fever.

I can picture our family with five kids. In fact one day a few months ago, I was actually looking around like another child should be there. I really felt crazy that day. Really. I even told Toby. He gave me the you're crazy look. I probably deserved it.

What's hard for me, though, is that while I want another, I also want to be able to do more with out having little ones that are so dependent on me. I like that the older kids can do so much for themselves now. I love it, in fact. But I want more kids. But I want a little freedom. But I want more kids. I could go on like this for days.

Who knows what will happen. These are just my feelings right now. We're not 'trying' for more kids at the moment. I'm not sure the husband really wants more. I'm not even sure I will once these feelings lessen a little. It's just that time because my baby is outgrowing his baby-ness.

3 comments:

  1. You are an amazing mom and when and if you decide to try again Im sure you will be blessed! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. ... and here I didn't want kids till I was 30. ;) I forget our age difference some times. (Little whipper snapper!)
    There is a picture of a mom, dad, 5 sons and the youngest child a daughter. I'll see if I can find it. It's a random picture that popped up one day... instantly thought of y'all. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Funny, I never wanted kids past 30 either, and I certainly never wanted a large gap between kids, but both God and my heart seem to have other plans. I 100% believe that the desire my heart has to have more children is from Him, yet I'll be 30 this month, and my youngest just turned 9. And the big van (cause we didn't want to do that either), it won't be forever. Kids will grow, and the number that you need to haul around will decrease, and so will the size of your vehicle.

    I've come to a place where I don't care about these temporal things anymore, because they're just that: temporal, worldly, earthly, and in the end of things, don't matter. I know that I'll never regret having more children, but I'm pretty certain that I *will* regret not having more.

    ReplyDelete

I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...