Sunday, December 4, 2011

prayer journaling

My soul has been in a deep dark pit. A never ending hole. An ugly, yelling, mean, screaming, mad-face, scowling, unrelenting pit. I'm so over it. I want out.

I'm really good at saying I'll do something, then not doing it. Really, spectacular, actually. But God has been preparing little by little to commit to him, in some fashion, more than I have been committed.

When, or rather, if I pray, it's scattered, unfocused, my mind can't sit still or even stay in prayer. Maybe partly because I have four kids and have a hard time remembering what it's like to do the same thing for any length of time.

Prayer journaling, however, I can rock that. I'll admit. My thoughts stay focused. My pencil doesn't stop. It doesn't sway my mind onto other things. It goes. It breathes life onto the paper that translates my heart into a beautiful prayer made straight to the Lord. Soul soothing.

The past two days have been great. A teensy tiny itty bitty bit of light is shining down into my pit. I can feel it's warmth. Jesus is coming to rescue me. He's embracing me in my current state, yet wanting me to overcome.

My heart is yearning for Him. My hands reaching. My soul crying out. My spirit hopeful. The despair is lifting.

I didn't yell yesterday. I didn't yell today. A huge accomplishment. An unbelievably huge accomplishment. I raised my voice yes, but the bitterness was not in that voice. Sometimes kids require a more stern voice, but the rage that can be in that stern voice, I didn't feel it today. Blessing. Big big blessing. Oh gosh, if you only knew what a feat this is for me. If only you could grasp the amount of rage I live with daily, it's haunting. But now, it's lifting. Slowly.

I'm committed to prayer journaling each night. Pulling out my Bible in the middle of something I've written that beckons me to seek more. Speaking my heart to Jesus through the written word. Listening when He speaks back.

My experience during this first night of prayer journaling was indescribable. The way the Lord revealed things to me. I have not felt that soul satisfied in very very very long time. Tears fell. Heart rejoiced. The whole two pages nearly made it here to this space.






     O God, you are my God; I earnestly search for you. My soul thirsts for you; my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where there is no water. Psalm 63:1

Yes, I have felt this exact thing for so long.

My deep thirst is slowly being quenched. Thank you, Jesus.

     Come to me all, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28b

Okay Jesus, I am coming to rest now. For, we have a very long road ahead.




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p.s. photo I took via Instagram. My Instagram feed and many other random things (as well as my blog feed) get posted to my Facebook page daily if you'd like more of myreal.everyday.life.


3 comments:

  1. I love this, I love all your blogs, but this one, this spoke directly to me. It's like we're the same person living in two different bodies. Oh how I wish I had your way with words. I wish I could write down my feelings like you do. It's an amazing feeling knowing that there is somebody else who feels the way I do at times and who's not afraid to show it. Thank you Brooke! I know that sounds corny and silly to say, but honestly, thank you for writing and giving me something to read each night before bed and hope to cling to that this feeling too shall pass.

    P.S. I too know what an accomplishment it is to not yell with rage and anger. I'm on day 2. I actually feel calmer and happier and notice it in my kids as well.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Not sure why the name has all that stuff in it, but this is Lauren.

    ReplyDelete

I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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