Monday, January 2, 2012

2012

My first photo of the year.
 {jan. 01}
I feel like for a person to be in such a place of despair, or [add any word that's fitting here], some sort of big thing must have happened to them. I've been in that place, I suffered two miscarriages back to back, possibly a third, though I don't think I ever did mention that one. I've been in that dark place.

But to be in such a dark place without seeing a huge reason behind it baffles me, it's beyond my understanding.

Yet, it is exactly where I am. I've suffered nothing major, no big thing that sent me spiraling. I just started for some  reason unbeknownst to me. I have tried praying my way out of it, throwing scripture at it, and I just can't get out of this hole.

I start to see a little light, get excited and then the next day, it feels like everything just caves in around me. I can't breathe, there's no clean air. Tears and emotions take over my every move. Rage carries me ugily (made up word that seems to fit) through the day.

My kids watch, but don't get it. Yet I see them picking up on the nasty things I say and do. It's scary-sad.

If I can pick one word for this year, it's healing. I will see someone. I will pray. I will be open and honest. I will journal. I will eat right to improve my moods. I will not take a backseat to getting well. I will not take a backseat while ugliness and filth rule my life. I will not live this year as blurry as the last.

My camera, oddly enough, seems to bring something to my day that nothing else can. I pick it up even if I don't feel like it and things feel a little different. Turning it towards myself seems to do something. I can't describe it, I don't know what it is, I just know it's there.

{jan. 02}

In 2012, I am stepping out of denial into healing. 

Please pray a prayer for my family as we must endure this journey together.

5 comments:

  1. The darkness is real just know that you are not alone in it. My husband and I have just suffered two losses in the last year and they have been mind numbing.
    Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark-George Iles
    You just have to reach for it.
    here is to you finding comofrt soon.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've been suffering with PPD since the birth of my son too. It's so hard and frustrating. The medicine certainly helps sometimes, but my hormones over power it at other times. I just came out of a really dark week. I woke up yesterday feeling like everything was okay. I pray for you that you will wake up feeling better and never go back to that dark place.

    ReplyDelete
  3. No idea how I missed this post.

    "Healing" Beautiful choice of word. My prayer for you this year.

    ReplyDelete

I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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