I sit here. After much yelling. Willing myself to be less stubborn.
If I were less stubborn, I could let go of the angry a lot faster. It wouldn't build so much that it exploded. It wouldn't be held on to. I wouldn't be too stubborn to let go of the frustration that holds me captive. That then leads to the yelling. And the close up threats.
I wouldn't sit here with regretful tears threatening to pour down. I'm sorry would spill out instead of stubbornly stay inside. I wouldn't wish to be someone else. I wouldn't beg to have this awful feeling taken away. I wouldn't need to wish for my emotional self to be healed.
Apologies don't come.
Regrets set deep.
Tears always threaten.
I dream of a different me.
The now me is a nightmare.
My heart hurts. But also feels so cold. I don't know how to be better. Desire to be well is in me somewhere.
The actual getting well is the really hard part. Why so hard. I wish I knew.
I want to be the woman I know is in there somewhere. She's trying to get out. To breathe. To see the world for it's beauty. To be loving in all situations. She's grasping. reaching. But this person, the person I am right now is holding her back.
But there is a better woman in there. She's there, if I can only reach down and find her. If this person would only allow the Lord to reach down and find her. I know she can overcome. The opening up to allow, it feels so hard, so vulnerable. Surely it can be done. But I can't remember how to open up wide.
I've opened my Bible. flipped. and stared. closed it again. Where do I even begin? This year is the year I allow my heart to be changed, but how? I don't know where to start.
Right now I sit here. Hurting hearts. Disappointed faces. Willing things to be different. Not knowing how to get there.