Wednesday, February 8, 2012

emotions and blessing

It's not really a disappointment. That word is not fitting at all. And I don't feel disappointed, though I fully expected to.

It's more of a sadness, for what I'll never have. Maybe a slight breaking of the heart.

I waited all day for the tears I held back in that moment of knowing to come. And then, they suddenly hit.

Giant silent sobs. I won't have any more babies after this. I don't want any more. And this time around I feel it way down deep in my heart that Yes, this is the last. Unlike last time when I was a little unsure about having more. This one completes us. And strangely, I just feel it. I just know it.

As soon as we found out I was questioning God, "Don't you know the desires of my heart?"

Maybe I don't deserve them. Maybe it would be more than we could handle. Maybe it's simply a matter of not being the plan he has laid out for us.

But as much as my heart desires to have a daughter to call my own, I still love this one and am so incredibly thankful for this blessing of a fifth boy.

He's ours. And he's perfect and healthy and growing perfectly on track. My now 12oz son is being anxiously awaited. And I can't wait to see his personality and the color of his hair. and smell his skin. and hold him. and kiss him. and nurse him. and snuggle him. and rub his forehead. And give him a name.

We are so blessed. The twinge of sad for what I won't have or experience will pass. In the meantime, I am so thankful for this little one's health. I was so scared, unnecessarily so. I love him and I can't wait to meet him. He's our boy. And he will be so loved.



{p.s. she gave us a cd. I totally thought it was just images, but it's video (yay!) so I have no sono photos to post at the moment. maybe tomorrow I can scan them in and post a few :)}

2 comments:

  1. I can't imagine what you must feel. And I wish I had words to address that.

    But mother to 5 boys? That's something. Not many people can claim that title. God has some serious confidence in you and what He can do through you to give you 5 boys.

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  2. Oh sweet friend..
    My heart aches, but rejoices for you all at the same time. I can't imagine your mixed emotions.
    I wish I had words the words to ease your heart.
    I agree with what Cassie said though. I believe the Lord has entrusted you with these 5 little guys for good reason. ;)
    Love ya girl!

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I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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