Thursday, March 22, 2012

on the brain

A lot has been on my mind today. Not just today really, you can probably tell from yesterday's post.

I love having boys who are willing to help around here. Sometimes eye rolls are involved in the helping, but sometimes, like today, they see me dusting and ask to wash the windows. I don't say no. Instead, that little rush of happy tingles down my arms and spine and I'm thankful for their hearts.

I buy fresh fruit just about every time I go to the store. Even if it's just a tp run, I grab a bunch of bananas, a box of strawberries, oranges, what have you. Today I did that when I stopped for dish soap on the way back from my midwife appointment, which by the way went well. All the fruit is washed and prepped for chomping on. Also, I'm 26 weeks today. I was told to drink more water. *sigh

strawberries. blackberries. bananas. oranges. apples, red and green. green grapes. they sit on my counters and in my fridge. I wish they didn't disappear so fast.

The dusting I'm doing today just seems so pointless in West Texas. Things will look dusty again by the end of today. Especially with open windows, which we've done so much lately. I love opening my windows and blinds. It's mood lifting and refreshing.

I will sun my diapers today, too. Still trying to figure out the perfect amount of detergent to use for them. Although the ammonia has lessened dramatically with an HE top loader. I think I'm just not using enough soap with our hard dadgum water.

Jonyn can't stand my hair in a pony tail. He's constantly taking it down when we're home if I put it up. It's sweet. Yet sometimes bothersome. But I can't help but love his hand in my hair. He still curls up right up against me to twirl my hair. Wonder when he'll stop. Hopefully not for a good long while. He's very gentle now, so it's so sweet while being relaxing.

During Apples of Gold Tuesday night, we talked about kindness. Geez, I could have cried. It was things I knew, but needed to hear again, you know. I've been so short and snappy with the kids these past few months, especially during our school time. I think I was bitter about all the negative pregnancy stuffs I was dealing with and taking it out on them. Plus the screwed up thyroid did not help a single thing.

My two goals to show kindness are to make dinner for Toby before he gets home, instead of waiting til he gets here and making him decide what we're doing or making everyone fix their own sandwich. The other one is to make sure none of the ugly words that tend to creep up get said to my children. Habits have formed. Words can be habitual, so I'm striving to undo those ugly habits I have created and allowed to grow.

I see people with girls... real people out and about, blogs, instagrams, facebooks... and I immediately think "lucky". Seriously, you lucky blessed people with daughters. Enjoy the bows and the pink and the twirls and the pig tails and the sparkly. I love my boys and I would not trade any of my five for girls ever. But deep deep down, I wish there were six kids and the sixth one was a girl. But no, I am not doing this pregnant thing ever again. I am too bitter about pregnancy. Not the baby, mind you, just the pregnant part. I'm ready to have the snugly little baby boy in my arms, at my breast, in my bed, kissed by my lips, tiny hairs under my nose, him being worn on my chest. I'm so ready for him to join us. He's already part of us, but to physically be here, that will just take the cake.

My sweet boy, I am so ready for you, but don't you come out until you have brewed enough to be healthy and perfect, mkay? I love you to pieces and want you perfect.

Now to my Pandora, the quick mix, so I can have a mix of different sounds floating through house while I catch up on cleaning and get dinner started. Baby boy is going down for a sweet sweet nap. Bigs are washing windows, then heading outside with the preschooler.

Full days and a full mind. My heart is slowly filling up with happy and joy, too. I hate having thyroid issues, but I know the right dosage of meds is helping heal parts of my body, mind, and emotions.

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