Wednesday, March 21, 2012

shut out

I've been thinking about this for a while now. It's no secret that last year was a really really tough year for me. The second most awful year I think I've ever had.

I shut a lot of people out. I don't really know why in most cases. I just shut them out. Deleted them from FB. Erased phone numbers in my phone. Deleted email addresses. Blocked them out of my mind. I had a weird thought process during all that. But I won't go into detail on my crazy working mind.

Now, of course, I'm feeling rather guilty. And totally unfriendly. I can't actually pinpoint exactly what happened. Except that, it's what I do. When things get really really rough, I like to shut people out, even if it has nothing to do with them. Sometimes, I even like to shut them out before the rough so that I don't get my poor lil' feelings hurt.

I can be stupid. It's true. I don't deny it. I'm sorry if you still come to this space and I did that to you. I am truly sorry. I'm just a plain ol' idiot with emotional stuffs that I carry around and then use as an excuse to shut you out before you can shut me out. I suck. I already know that.

But I am sorry. I'm trying to be better. But it is really hard. I still care about those people. But trying to rebuild friendships that I'm sure I ruined by my ignoring, and shutting out, seems so impossible. Where to even start? An apology doesn't even seem like enough. Obviously I can be a terrible friend. It's one of the qualities I'd like to change.... you know, the shutting out of people that actually care. I care about them, too, but getting hurt in the heart... I'd rather avoid that, so I shut. And shut.

Now I need to end the cycle of shutting and closing. It's tough stuffs, but I can do it. At least, I hope I can. I'm working on it anyhow.

I think I did a lot of the shutting out when I felt so out of mind and body. Last year didn't even feel like it was me living my life. I still have many struggles. I have figured out that a properly functioning thyroid is probably the key to most of my sanity and my entire mood and the majority of my emotional state. Doctors certainly have their place in life, thank goodness for them. Since getting that fixed and worked out and upping my dosage, I feel a million times closer to myself. But still, a lot, I don't feel like me. I live in a constant state of frustration the majority of the time. I don't know where it comes from, but I'm trying to help myself fix it.

It's small things really, the messy house, the piled dishes, the unending laundry, the kids that don't listen like I expect, the pregnancy I wish was so over. I'm having more energy lately, so staying on top of housework things has certainly helped with my feelings of frustration, I feel just a tad less stressed. But I still feel like I do everysinglething around here. Our shifts as Moms don't end at five p.m. We have to keep going, even past the kids bedtime. I was feeling stress over this for a while. Some making my feelings known has helped a bunch. It's possible a(nother) melt down happened.

Now to figure out what to do about friendships I ruined by my selfishness.

jan. 17

2 comments:

  1. If they were really your friends and you make an honest apology then I am sure people will understand. Stress is so hard to deal with and everyone handles it differently. I shut everyone out when I felt betrayed a couple of months ago. I'm not having the same feelings of remorse as you but I do understand where you're coming from. I hope things will start going better for you and your relationships can be rebuilt. Keep your faith. You will need it :)

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  2. This: "a properly functioning thyroid is probably the key to most of my sanity and my entire mood and the majority of my emotional state" So true, so so sadly true. And people that haven't dealt with that just can't even begin to comprehend how it affects life. I hear ya. (hugs)

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I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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