Tuesday, April 10, 2012

how much longer?

Once upon a time, a younger me with less kids would have thought I could be pregnant forever and have lots and lots of babies. I mean, more than the five we will very soon have. This me right now, who has birthed four boys, lost two babies in miscarriage, and is currently waiting not so patiently for boy five here to arrive around early July, has certainly changed her mind.

30 is creeping up. I'm one of those who looks forward to what the next age will bring. I never dread birthdays. I embrace them. I may not necessarily celebrate with a big bash, but I love my age at pretty much all times.

But with that age and so many babies using my body already, I am so done with pregnancy. Just about 11 weeks left. I love this baby so, but I'm not loving carrying all the negative pregnancy stuffs. It has been so.hard. on my body this time. I'm trying not to count down everyday, but a glance at the calendar to check the day has me checking how much closer we are to meeting this booger.

It's funny, people always suggest we could adopt a girl someday. We had babies early on purpose. To grow them up and be young enough when they all move out to enjoy each other once again. I'm not sure I want to adopt later on. In my head I think, if we were to adopt I'd want to now, for many reasons really. But it doesn't matter, God's not leading us toward adoption at this point. We'll wait for Him to tell us.

In the crazy places of my mind, though, I imagine what would happen if he came out a she, although the sono was very clear that won't happen. And I very much want him to be a him. I wouldn't change who he is. But maybe if a girl was tucked in there too?

Boys are fun, I know boys. I love my boys. And I would never dream of changing who they are. But still, I know my heart will always long for the daughter I will never carry, birth, or grow up.

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5 comments:

  1. I get that.

    I will never carry, raise, or linger over a daughter. I have two wild and life-spinning boys full of testosterone.

    My heart still thinks what if from time to time, too.

    Alita

    ReplyDelete
  2. I get that too...because I don't know if I will ever carry the second child who right now, lives only in my heart. I will only grow a girl.

    Having kids young was smart. I waited, and now time is getting away from me, too fast.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are so strong to have had four boys already and you're almost done baking number five. Kudos to you. I don't know what it is like for people to ask you if you're going to keep trying for a girl, since I have one of each. But I can imagine it hurts a bit. I always thought I was carrying a boy with my second, but she's all girl - drama queen and all. God chose you to be the mama of all boys because he knew you could do an awesome job at it. You go mama!

    ReplyDelete
  4. God chose you to be a Mom of boys for a reason Brooke. Of course you can't stop your heart from wondering or longing for a girl, but I see you... all the daily struggles (and joys) that you share here, and I know you are LUCKY to be a Mom of five boys!

    ReplyDelete
  5. oh, this is beautiful in all its truths. you are a great mama, I can tell...no matter if it is to a little boy or girl. I hope that little girl comes in your life some day...perhaps through one of your little boys? they could bring this daughter of your heart to you.

    ReplyDelete

I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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