Oh my. I'm trying to hold it all together today. Praying my angry side will keep diminishing little by little. Feeling so flustered and frazzled and annoyed today. Yet just trying to not get too bent out of shape.
Brennen keeps climbing and bringing me stuff and flipping light switches. on. off. on. off. on. off. Then there's climbing on the bench with me to touch and grab every.thing.on the table. And screaming and peeing in the floor and digging in the fridge and finding a piece of tape and sticking it to my hip. And my morning has just been peachy with that one.
Jonyn finds the noisiest toy ever and brings it into our great room living space area and no one can hear me or each other and we're just trying to get through reading one sentence but geez that boy is loud. Then he shows Brennen (again) that it's so so fun to climb and run on the table. And p.s. Jonyn never ever ever listens the first time you tell him anything. ever. So about 4 times I say to get off the table and only with the threat of a spank and me [almost] standing up he finally gets down. And oh, for the love, leave the poor kittens alone before they scratch you again and you cry without being consolable. again.
Dear older kids, let's just get this school done today with out me telling you one hundred and fifty seven times to quit messing around and finish cutting out your papers. It's not even like it's math. Just cutting. Science. Easy peasy. You're pausing too much to be silly and well, frankly, it is just not working for me because my butt hurts from this bench, I'm hungry, and I want us to get done today and I feel like I'm not doing my kids any favorsAnd also, all four of you might just be making me a little crazy today. And I just wonder if we could squeeze some extra work in each day just to be finished with school a few weeks early.
And maybe I did not sleep all that well. and maybe I woke up at some point as the sun came up and keeping peeking up at the blinds to try and guess what time it was by the light in the room. but I didn't get up because I thought I could go back to sleep. maybe Jonyn woke up crying frantically because he didn't know where Daddy was even though we were both in bed and I was on the verge of sleep when he came in twirling my hair like his life depended on it. maybe it's just too bleeping hot in our bedroom at night already and sleeping in next to nothing just makes very little difference.
maybe. I'm cranky today and everything feels chaotic. like my kids and their not listening during school and the preschooler being all kinds of loud and the toddler climbing onto everything and screaming about it when we get him down. like all the dishes in the sink because I was too tired last night to do them and no one in the house ever volunteers to take over dinner dishes for me. like when Taylan said he's tired of wearing long sleeves and pants and I say well then you can do the laundry. because I'm way behind as usual and all of our clothes are dirty and no one wants to volunteer to help.
Maybe just maybe I'm cranky and feeling like chaos is surrounding me today and I just don't know how to handle it and thoughts are swirling around in my head all mushy like and all I wanna do is go and hide in my room just to avoid yelling at my boys one more time already this morning.
praying small prayers and asking for God to help me hold back the yell and soften my heart and my words towards them this morning. I feel like an awful mom to them today. and really, it's more me than them, but all the small things happening just add up to feel really big, ya know? and perhaps just getting all this fun stuff off my chest makes me feel a little better. like someone is listening, like there is a grown up around to talk to.