Thursday, May 10, 2012

good book

If you've been hanging around here long, you know that I've struggled with anger quite a bit these past few years, especially last year.

At the start of this year, I made a commitment to myself to get better and get out of this pit that seems to have no depth.

First up was getting my thyroid meds regulated. That helped tremendously, my moods did improve, my outbursts did slow. But as this pregnancy progresses, my hormones feel so out of control. It's like every emotion I have ever felt is colliding together to cause a hot mess. I even almost cried because a restaurant who's website said they had a certain sandwich, did not have it, so hubby brought home something else he thought I'd like. A sandwich people. I nearly cried over it. My hormones are just crazy right now.

And ps, that's not the first time I have cried or nearly cried over something so miniscule.

Next on my make believe list was getting my priorities in order. Which really should have been first, but I'm hormonal, so it's whatever. I've been diligently praying and studying God's word. I can tell having his Word fresh on my mind is helping. I can tell that laying this burden of guilt and these feelings of rage at His feet and asking Him to carry me when I am too weak is changing my innermost parts. It's beautiful and it's hard to continually let go of what I want control of. Because really, it boils down to just having control, I think. At least for me.

I am also reading books with thoughts and insights on the subject of anger. I just finished up Letting Go of Anger. It's a fairly easy read, simple to understand, but very insightful nonetheless. It opened my eyes up even more to what I need to change and how to go about doing it.

I want to read Beth Moore's book Praying God's Word. Only, this is one of those books I want to have someone to read it with me. I'm pretty sure I'll want to talk about it as I go through it. But it is next, and I'll probably start it tonight, Lord willing.

My out of control emotions and feelings will not get better over night, but I can see an improvement. Hopefully, my precious boys can, too. I know yesterday was a really really great day. As I sat on the couch after school but before time to make dinner, I sat there and realized that I felt content, happy, at peace, not angry at someone. It was nice to realize there was a calm there instead of a scowl-y faced lady ready to blow up at any second. I'm looking forward to more days like that, days where I actually enjoy my family, because if I'm honest, somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing my family as a precious gift from God and starting seeing them as a burden sent here to make my life messy.

Yes, things will be messy as long as young boys live here, but remembering that they are only mine temporarily and they are sweet sweet amazing little kids is something I will have to do on a daily basis. I can't forget they are children, not small adults. I love them with all that is in me and it kills me to know that I have not always shown them that love that does exist in my heart. Every day is a new day and another chance to show them just how much I love them. And I am so thankful for that.

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