Friday, August 24, 2012

from defeated to normal again

Most nights since I was pregnant, I have gone to bed feeling like a failure. I would sit on the couch, look around, and think, I am a failure. The house would be extremely messy, the table sticky, dishes piled high, almost no clean clothes, and the surfaces so cluttered. I would sigh. And feel like a terrible wife and mom and go to bed defeated.
Then I'd wake up the next day only to feel the same feelings since I walked into the same mess I left the night before.
Mostly it was from sheer exhaustion. My pregnancy took everything out of me. Forget that I was homeschooling and had toddlers too, the pregnancy itself knocked me off my feet. Then the baby came. And bliss. He was finally here. But exhaustion still overwhelmed me. Now, my sweet Greyson is 6 weeks and 5 days old (easy to keep count since he was born on a Sunday!) and sleeping pretty great still. I mean, he does like to wake up as the older kids get to sleep at night and stay awake til laaaaate. But we're working on that. And I may be tired during the day. But my energy is back. It's back. Oh my, it's back and I'm so happy.
My house gets picked up most nights and the dishes get done. My laundry may pile, but seven people live here. I do it daily and everyone at least has something to wear. I even sweep and mop way more often. My floors get vacuumed. That defeated feeling happens less and less.
I'm feeling normal. My baby weight came off really quickly. I was normal weight within about three weeks. But I'm still a plus size momma. I'm a big girl. So I had to go up a size in pants. I'm actually okay with that. I feel more confident in clothes that fit as opposed to clothes that are a smaller size and cause that lovely muffin top effect.
So here I sit, lacking sleep, but feeling good. The days are whirring by in such a blur. Three weeks of school are already over. My baby coos and gurgles back and forth with me. He smiles when he sees me. My three year old talks nonstop and asks inappropriate questions (like to see my boobs). My toddler is putting sentences together more and more everyday.
Life is going and going and going. And some days are good. Some days are not. But I am trying my darnedest to be the Mom I desire to be. And it's a very slow process.
 But I am getting there.

{I shot some of these images using the free-lensing tutorial found here}.

1 comment:

  1. I always love your photos. I especially love to read that your energy is back. :)


I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.


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