Wednesday, November 14, 2012

pressing on

The yell-y me is slowly going away. Sure, I've said before I felt like I was getting to a better place in my life. But this time just feels different. Two years later, and it finally feels like the PPD from boy number four is going away. Like for reals. I feel it lifting. I feel more calm in my days. I feel less out of control of my self. Which is big. real big.

I still get frustrated too easily sometimes. I still say things that I wish I hadn't just said. I still yell, just not as much, and of course instantly regret it. I'm in the Word morning and night, asking for things I need to get through the days. Being diligent. Change is hard. I usually embrace change, but trying to change habits and ways is hard stuff. Making new habits isn't always easy. I'm doing it, though. Changing. Small things. But big things.
I feel good. Two good days in a row, two days that have shown growth and improvement. That's big. and beautiful. and amazing. and beyond what I deserve. My kids are seeing a better me. They deserve that. They deserve for me to be the best me I can be. So I am working on it. I'm a huge, major, giant, big work in progress with a long long ways to go.

My prayer is for God to shape me and mold into what He meant for me to be, not what I've become over the past few years. It's a process. everything usually is. And it's hard, but it's so beautiful feeling the Light of Jesus shine on my face and into my soul. Y'all, I feel so different lately.

I'm still working on being a joy-filled momma, but, again, a process it is. I'm kinda seeing glimpes of the happy girl I was once upon a time.

I used to see people older than me, before I had kids, like my age now, and think they were so smart, and wise, and together. I'm now that older person, and I don't feel smarter or wiser, or anymore together than I was before. Most days, I'm a better housekeeper, but that's about as together as I feel. I cook dinner more, but again, still don't have it altogether together.

And when people pay me compliments, I don't take them well. I just don't know how. Especially because they don't feel true or real. I don't feel like an awesome mom, or put together, or beautiful, or that I'm doing a great job. So that's hard. I never know what to say. My head tells me differently, and changing those thoughts is also a process. I'm just average. That's all. I'm a normal, regular, struggling momma. I'm not amazing, I'm just a mom.

And sure, when people ask if I have my hands full, I do. But doesn't every mom? Moms of only one child do have the benefit of naps without other kids running around, but other than that? yeah, moms of one struggle too. Everyone's struggle is different, but no less valuable, and no less hard.

We chose this life, one full of kids. And it's our normal, our everyday. It's nothing out of the ordinary for us. Different for us is having all the kids out of the house. Which doesn't happen, because a) we don't live near family, b) we homeschool, and c) we have a four month old.
Our life is ours and it's a beautiful chaotic mess. We love it and we love each other. And the best I can do is to seek growth for the positive on a daily basis and pray often.


I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.


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