Thursday, March 14, 2013

heart: heavy

my heart has been heavy, heavy, heavy lately. like. i am an emotional mess. and it's not the post-partum depression from baby five, thankfully. i can't thank God enough for allowing that part of post baby to stay away.

all i know right now is that i'm being brought into a season of questions that i must wait for the answer to.

in an effort to be more like Jesus, i often pray that he will soften my heart. outside of my home, it is easy for me to be all kinds of nice. inside of my home, i struggle with it more. so everyday, i pray for God to soften my heart towards my family. oh how i love them. but being nice isn't always easy. i snap. i yell. i get snippy and short. sometimes i am just unkind and use unkind words in an unkind tone.

i have recently prayed that he bring those small sins that often get overlooked to the surface. that's a tough one. i don't want to look in the mirror and see those things. yet, that's what i need in order to be more like him. in order to shine brightly his love. in order to truly love others like he did. it's tough. he's not bombarding me with everything at once, but little by little, things are being brought up. so i repent and pray for God to help me work on those things.

i feel like all this work and seeking him will lead to other things, other answers, other opportunities to do his will and to do good works. and i know it will help me to know him more and see the heart of God more clearly.

so much weighs on my mind right now, and i am trying to just lay it all down at his feet and ask him to carry it while i wait for these unanswered prayers to become answered prayers. no matter the answer, a yes, no, or maybe later, i always feel better when peace comes over me about what to do. and i've been praying for a peace in the midst of these unanswered questions. i pray it washes over me.

it's taken me 10 years to come to a place where i can give it all to him without hesitation, and not try to solve everything on my own. we are in a great place in our lives as a family, but still small struggles happen and i am in the process of working it all out with my Father God.

it's taken me 10 years to come to a place where i intentionally sit with Jesus daily and read his word and pray to him. it should not have taken me so long, and please, don't wait that long to make time for him daily. it's worth waking up early for. HE is worth it. and my life would look a whole lot different if i went the way this world says to go instead of following Jesus. and this last year would have looked a whole lot different if i hadn't sought his face through it all.

i'm thankful i can come to him and cry out. it's a different season i'm in. i feels like no other season i have been in. so i'm just waiting. i pray i can wait patiently. i pray i can be still in his presence.

"I wait quietly before God..." *Psalm 62:1
"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him." *Psalm 62:5
"Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge." *Psalm 62:8b
"Be still and know that I am God." *Psalm 46:10a

friends, i just had to share my heart today. hope you don't mind.

1 comment:

  1. How could we ever mind real life? Man! I know how you feel! This is an honest true post :) it's so easy to say we put Christ first and then check our blogs before we pray and/or treat the people closest to us unkind . . .I do it all the time. I know I should get up early and give an hour to God but I don't always and then my day just doesn't seem right. Like this morning I slept too late - got on line and things just haven't gone well today. . . nothing crazy just off . . . .Being Christ like is not for wimps!!! It's so much easier to talk the talk then walk the walk. I'll be praying for you my sista' and you pray for me. :) hugs to you!!! I'll think I'll give my kids lunch and then pray like I should have this morning. Thanks for this post! I love it!

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I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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