Wednesday, April 24, 2013
more than my emotions
i feel like i conquered yesterday. i feel like it was a successful day. i got up and had my iced latte and quiet time. the main focus of my journaling and prayers was being a better mother and enjoying motherhood. during my quiet time, towards the end of the little study i was doing, the Lord placed Micah 6:8 on my heart and prompted me to dissect what it meant to me in motherhood right now. so i did.
it prompted me to ask my self how i am to live this way. how am i to "do what is right?" and how do i "love mercy?" and what does "walking humbly with God" look like? so i went through it. i felt shame and guilt in how i have acted these past few weeks, months even. i was reminded, too, that these boys of mine, these precious five, are gifts from the Lord. they are not mine. i do not own them. they are simply sweet little gifts the Lord has loaned to us for a time. they are treasures. Princes of the Most High.
so i made a decision to live with intent yesterday, to live on purpose. i plastered this verse big on my chalkboard as my reminder. because, you know, i'm in the kitchen eleventy million times a day and the chalkboard being directly between the fridge and pantry makes me look at it often. i meditated on it throughout the day, remembering what it means for me right now.
i even sat the kids down and we talked about some things, how they felt about certain things, what changes they would like from me. and i made the decision right then and there to not yell one time that day. to say ever again would have been too much, a long, far off goal. to say this day, it's reasonable for me, a place to start.
don't get me wrong, i yelled. you know the kind. "get back before you burn yourself on the open oven!" "hey kid, come to the laundry room and get your clothes." and "hey boys, can you get greyson?" i yelled for them and for their safety, but i did not once yell at them. i wanted to at times, but i held back. which is huge for me. i picked up yelling during my ppd. i'm glad to be genuinely trying to overcome it now. i probably should have started sooner. but i wasn't sad during that mess, i was angry. and that anger has carried over some and still rears it's ugly head now and again.
i also said yes more yesterday. my oldest has been asking to make cookies since last week. i kept saying no for various reasons. finally, yesterday, i just said yes. it felt good to not yell, to see them beam because i said yes, to talk to them, not at them. it's a step, this whole thing. a big big step in the right direction. (i hope). a step to start enjoying motherhood. probably the first step, however, was just simply realizing what i was feeling and putting it into words. i'm still going to struggle. everyday, probably. but i will pray through this and be intentional and not let those crazy girl emotions be my boss.
because i am more than my emotions and how i act because of them.
i am a wife. i am a mother. i am a teacher. i am a comforter. i am a provider. i am a hugger. i am an encourager. i am love to these kids. and i am a daughter of the Most Gracious King. and i refuse to let my emotions rule my life. i refuse to be shackled by them. i choose freedom. freedom in Jesus. freedom from my emotions.