Sunday, April 21, 2013
the words have been right here. like, waiting to be said. or written. i've been wanting to come to this space to spill it all, probably for about a week now. but spilling it all is scary...even though i'm known to do so without too much hesitation. at least, it seems that way to me. you, however, may have a different opinion.
lately i have been working on not complaining so much. not being negative. and i do okay. until emotion takes over my whole being and i spit out complaints left and right. i feel sleep deprived one day and it carries over to what i say and i complain some more. God has really been speaking to me over this. so i'm trying to do better. to be better. i have a great life. i have a loving God, an amazing husband, and some pretty darn great boys. but still, i complain. i'm negative. something upsets me, and i spew complaints. i want to stop the cycle of emotional complaining, because i mean, that's basically what it is. the complaints come on more when i feel emotionally drained or hurt or just upset.
during these past couple of weeks, this intentionality has brought up other things in me. like, one day, i just realized out of nowhere that somewhere along the way, i stopped loving motherhood. i like being a mom, i think? i'm sure there's some other baggage that goes along with how i'm feeling lately, but i just can't put my finger on it. since the older two kids got...well, older, it seems like i've stopped enjoying doing this thing we all know as motherhood. i know that sounds terrible. and i know some are shaking their heads in disbelief. but it's honest.
i don't enjoy motherhood right now. and perhaps this is why God said, "halt! on those business endeavors!" maybe so i can stop thinking and fretting over other things and just focus on learning to love being a mom again. i have always struggled with that age after preschool, but before high school. even since before i had kids in that range. and i have always known it's a weakness, an area where i struggle. but i don't know how to grow and get better and enjoy that age.
i love and adore my boys. i do. that isn't the issue. and will never be. my love for them is not in question. my love for doing motherhood, being in that role day in and day out, that's where i'm struggling. how many other moms will admit to feeling that, too? and i'm not complaining. i'm just trying to understand where these feelings come from, why i don't enjoy it anymore.
i stopped my husband mid-dinner-cooking the other night and just asked him, "i used to enjoy motherhood, right? i mean... right?" i remember a time when i felt complete joy all the time, even though i was a tired, lazy mess. i still felt joy. i adored being thrust into motherhood with the birth of my child.
i don't feel that these days. my word for this year is JOY. and i want to be consumed with joy, i pray it nearly everyday. i pray to love motherhood again, and even though i love my boys, i still pray for an all consuming love for them. because if a feeling like that consumes me, it just seems like the enjoyment of motherhood would come naturally.
right now in my journey as a mom, i crave alone time in my own home, because that's the way i'm wired. and right now, that never happens. even as i try to type, this, a babe lay across my belly, nursing. i crave alone time with my spouse. i long to leave the house with out little people. and perhaps i'm just feeling drained and that's where this enjoyment of mom-things lay hidden. under the tired mom. if i rested better, would i find that joy again? greyson is not a good sleeper, so i don't put much hope into being well rested anytime soon. but could i love motherhood in spite of feeling sleep deprived?
that is my hope, my prayer.