Friday, June 7, 2013

on motherhood.

originally i was going to just post this photo to my page on facebook. i've started posting the snap of the day on there, which is basically just photos i'm taking with my dslr and posting. not necessarily posting thee day i take them, but just sharing some of the things i love.

so once i figured out i had a lot of words to say about this one, nearly blank image, i figured i might as well say it all here and spare facebook peeps the novel.


i look at this and see so much. i mean, the photo itself is full of "white space" or "negative space." it's just quite a bit empty. but see the little baby head? it's all bent back looking up at me. back arched. on tippy toes. unknown expression. this is my baby. this is the boy whom nurses from my own breasts. the boy i kiss and sniff. the boy who still loves momma more than anyone on the planet. so much of motherhood has been full of little hands reaching up or out to me. little faces leaned into my leg. those little hands pawing up, begging to be held. sometimes it's a smiling face. sometimes it's a crying face. but still the face of my boy. all of my boys, really.

motherhood is no joke. it is hard. it it trying. it is full of so many emotions that sometimes bombard you all at once. even right now, little boys are filing into the room i walked into to have a moment to just say what is on my heart. i want to snuggle them, but i also want a second or four of quiet. i want to tell them to sit by me, but tell them to go. and there are certainly other times i want to kiss and spank. ground yet give privileges. withhold and give dessert. both at the same time.

i have a fierce love for my babies. but sometimes it's a hard road we mothers walk. we judge... even when we say we don't. we feel judged at every turn. i do my best to do what i feel is right and good for my kids and it's really as simple as that. sometimes i fail. well, often i fail. but i keep going. i keep waking up and mothering and disciplining and hugging and sighing and laughing. we keep going.

they need me. they need us. they need momma. (my third born just walked in to kiss my head. he needs me). they need a good version of me. it's why i pray and study the Word and take momma breaks and go on dates without kids. it's why i take breathers in the bathroom alone. it's why i want so badly another friend to hang out with on a semi-regular basis. it's why i want other mommas in my life. i am not perfect. i am not always good. i am so flawed and undeserving of all that i have. but i get up and do all again every morning. and it's worth it. my babies are a great big chunk of my heart. i love doing life with them and their handsome daddy.

so this photo, it speaks to me on so many levels. and in some ways represents a lot of what i feel about motherhood. i also see a lot of childhood, a lot of the mother/child relationship right there in that simple little rectangle. you, personally, may not see what i see. but that's the beauty of art and photography, we see what speaks to us. and it doesn't have to be the same for everyone. this photo i took? it's speaks to the depths of my soul.

4 comments:

  1. Being a mom is like being Jekyll and Hyde a bit. This constant push and pull of opposing emotions.
    I think you summed it all up with the words "they need a good version of me." So true. Thank you for the reminder.
    And that photo - I see all that you're describing in it.
    hugs.

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  2. I highly recommend finding a MOPS group. It will give you a group of women to connect with who are at a similar place in life as you. Maybe you'll find that "friend to hang out with on a semi regular basis" or maybe a friend that calls you every day just to say hi and make that connection that you both are missing and need.
    Thank you for the beautiful post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you for the sweet words :) i tried MOPS before and didn't really connect with anyone, as hard as i tried. i even got involved in a fundraising project. and now, we have one car and the meetings are 20+ minutes away on a day where my husband works. as a homeschooling family, i have no place for the school aged kids to go during their meetings. thank you for the suggestion, though. i really appreciate you taking the time!!

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I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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