one-forty-nine. just a number, right? well can i just tell you it's a number that makes me squeal and jump and clap wildly? when i was married, at 18 1/2, i was around 130lbs. maybe 140. less than six months after marrying the love of my teenage heart's life, we moved away for the first time ever in our lives and came to texas. and then i watched myself gain and gain and gain to about 160, 165 by the end of our first year of marriage. and i just kept gaining after that. i remember thinking, okay, i'm *this size* but my gut isn't sagging yet. i thought that every time i looked in the mirror. see, i've always had somewhat of a belly, a muffin top, a roll. always. then i remember the day i looked in the mirror and it had happened. my belly was officially sagging. it was terrible. i couldn't believe i let it get that far.
this past january, i knew i had to make changes and get healthy. because i was 201lbs at 5'3" with high triglycerides. so i began this crazy-train journey i'm on. i've shed 52lbs and i weigh 149lbs. and even being smaller than i was after our first year of marriage, i still have a saggy belly.
but that is just okay. because i also have stretch marks, which i call Baby-Love marks. because they are...they are marks left by my sweet babies that show the world that i am a mother. i have a mother's body. and i'm good with the marks and sag. i will never be perfect in form, but i am happy and content and thankful for how far i've come with my shape. i doubt i will ever have a flat stomach, because that belly has been home to five sweet baby boys and i wouldn't trade a flat stomach for those 45ish months i spent carrying babies. not ever.
my value is not in my weight or figure. my value is in the Lord. but that number is just proof that anything is possible. that number does make me smile right now. and while it surely is just a number, it's currently my number. and it makes me feel confident in the way i look on the outside. that number means less tugging at my clothes, less wondering if people are looking at me because of my size, more feeling physically healthy. i feel good. i feel so good. and i'm extremely grateful for this number when ten months ago, it didn't even seem possible. and today, i wore skinny jeans (size 8) for the first time ever.