i have been getting up early (with my honey) all week. it's been great having him get up with me. we are able to do our own devos, then sip coffee and chat before the hoodlums are up. it's been such a great way for us to connect with each other before the day starts and we have to connect with everyone and everything else.
wake up. Jesus + coffee. us.
that's been the order of things. and i love it. but. but. i've had a hard time making it in to bed and falling asleep at a reasonable hour, for this that and the other thing. so i'm tired. and being tired makes my mean rear it's ugly head. so most of this week, that's be my thang. mean mom. not fun. not a pretty sight, not something i am proud of. but certainly the truth.
you know, i have the timehop app on my phone, so it tells me what i posted on social media on this day one, two, three, four years ago. so looking back to just a wee year ago, and what a mess i was! i mean, i wasn't sleeping ever because the baby wasn't sleeping ever. he was up at all hours, never going to sleep at a regular (8pm) time. it was sort of miserable in that respect. and you do forget how much sleep you were lacking once you get to start sleeping again. i thought those days would never end. now he sleeps most nights all the way through and almost always goes to bed when the other kids do around eight. thank.the.Lord. really. and so now, he's cutting those dreaded, hard as heck, mostest painfulest canine teeth. so he wakes up once or twice in the middle of the night to nurse, but only a couple times a week. dude, i can deal with that. except that i'm already tired, so my mean comes out more after those middle of the night feedings.
so yesterday, i went grocery shopping and when i got home, my sweetest five year old, jonyn starts to help me put things away without me asking him. he's just trucking along, unloading the bags. and he stops, looks up at me thoughtfully (as he does. he's my insightful thinker) and just says, "you're beautiful." and i was stopped in my tracks. a little stunned. i, after all, have been a bit of an angry bear. yet, he saw beauty enough to say so. i'm not sure how.
but what i do know is that he extended me a measure of undeserved grace. the Lord used this little bitty being (heavens, how i love this five year old) to show His love, His kindness, His grace. the Lord thinks i'm beautiful, even in my ugly-mean. and He used my five year old as the vessel to remind me as such. i am beautiful, even with this feeling of low self-esteem lately, of not loving my figure, of not loving myself enough, of not loving my attitude. the Lord loves. and He loves me.
He loves me.