Monday, July 14, 2014

minus the boys

it was so crazy to wake up this morning after the sun was already up and notice how quiet it really is without the boys. 
they are swimming and splash padding and farming and feeding farm animals and playing outside and visiting grandparents and great-grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles in oklahoma for two weeks. 

my family is ten hours away from us and i was falling apart at the seams.

most days, i wear my emotions and thoughts all over my face. 
but i have learned to hide it over the years when necessary, because i finally got tired of being asked if i was okay. 
no. i was not. so many times, no. 
especially these last three years with little to no sleep, with a busy, cranky pants, destructive toddler, and just the whole three kids in three and a half years thing.
and a tween.
that last one throwing me for a loop.

things were getting so much better for a while, but i'm telling you, the older grey grey gets, the busier and more tornadic he gets. 
he's a whirlwind of a child. 
and the cranky is lessening, but things are so hard when you are mom 24/7 with no family or family-like peeps in a 10 minute radius. 
i was yelling too much, holding arms too hard, beating my insides up, while learning to love my outsides. 
it was a weird juxtaposition, the inside hating, outside loving, both at the same time.

my mom can sense when i'm struggling, even from her distance. so when she asked if we wanted to let them keep the boys for a couple of weeks, i said yes. with relief. 

those boys. i love them. but my insides were falling apart. 
not because of them. but because of satan. i let him get a foothold. i let him lie to me. and i believed those lies. sadly. 

so what am i going to do with myself? that is the biggest question i have heard about being without my crazies for two weeks. well, if you must know, i will be fixing up my insides.
and my house. and sitting in the quiet. and enjoying my spouse.

praise God for grandparents who are willing to adapt life to accommodate five rambunctious boys.

{iphoneography. july 4, 2014}

1 comment:

  1. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. This is my life as well, of course, on a smaller scale since I only have two boys. I don't know how you do it with 5, nor how you do it with no family close. You are a strong, beautiful mother for being able to say these things. To admit these things and I find that you are AMAZING for it. We're all real. We all wonder if we're good enough or doing the right thing. I struggle daily. DAILY. HOURLY sometimes. I just want to wrap my arms around you and hope that both of us recognize that we're not alone. We're not the only ones struggling with these same problems.
    Your mother is a wonderful woman for knowing you well enough to offer a break for you. And a strong woman for taking on 5 boys! If you come home to get them, I'd love to meet you. It's such a small world to have found each other on line, only to find out that we grew up in the same towns
    Stay strong momma. Take time for you, for your husband and your home. Bring those boys home refreshed and ready to take on anything. :)

    ReplyDelete

I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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