Tuesday, October 7, 2014

life altering.

you know, when we decided to homeschool the boys, that was life altering. 
and by "we," i really mean, when The Lord decided.
it was a change. a big one. it took some time to get adjusted to this new way of doing things.

so we are now in our fourth year of homeschooling.
and there is so much to like about it.
my kids have freedom.
and we, as the parents have freedom for things like traveling when we want
and middle of the day trips. and scheduling random things during any part of the day.
 we're not tied down to a school calendar.
my kids learn at their own speed. and if they have trouble with any of it, 
we can modify the methods in which we teach and learn.
my kids get one on one attention.
my kids bond with each other.
my kids aren't learning to simply pass a test.
my kids do not have to pass a test to pass a grade.
my kids can go run off a bit of energy when they start feeling like they need it.
flexibility: birthdays are official holidays.

but.
*sigh. and there is a big but.

right now, this homeschool business is doing all of us more harm than good.
we have so. much. quantity time.
and our quality time is keeping me more on edge and frustrated than anything else.
i love dem boys.
but dem boys drive. me. nuts.
and i don't want that. i am overly sensitive about every. single. thing. in life right now.
and it's a lot because of burn out and not loving this whole process at all anymore.

i find great joy in doing the mom stuff and the wifey stuff.
i don't find any joy in teaching "school" anymore. or being in that role. 
and that has really been showing in my attitude.

it's been hard. and i tried a lot of things:
curriculum.
unschool.
charlotte mason.
a mix.

it just isn't working all that well for me anymore.
i am not very good for my kids right now. 
i am a mean momma grizzly. 
and not in the protect the cubs way.
more in the growl at them all the live long day kind of ugly way.

i am not the best version of who i am right now.
and it is showing.
so i think the Lord has seriously been trying to tell me that it is time to move on.

to a new life changing way of things.


public school.


perhaps for some, this is not so life altering.
 but for me? 
it totally is.

i will be a mom. 
a housemomwife.
and not a teacherhousemomwife.
i'm taking off one of my hats and hanging it up for a while.
i will soak in time with my two little ones
and let them enjoy more of me,
an at peace me.

i took my boys in today to get them enrolled. 
i filled out most of the necessary paperwork prior to going up there today.
i was a big bundle of nerves on the (10 second) drive to the school.
(thankfully, we can walk them to school, it's so close).
i felt more at ease once i started filling out more paperwork and chatting with the office ladies.

i asked questions and was pleasantly surprised and frankly, relieved. 
my momma heart that was all aflutter with fear was soothed and calmed.
i had asked the Lord to take the burden of guilt from me over this decision.
and he has.

at first, i felt so defeated when i finally made the decision.
i had come to a place where all i could say was, "i'm done,"
with a crazed look of hysteria. it certainly was not my finest hour, but i knew deep down in my
gut that it necessary that we move on to our next season in life.

this will be a season of being the salt and light in a public school.
it will be my boys' mission field, as well as my own. 
a place to be Jesus to those who don't know Him.

so. i will not feel guilt over them being boxed up in a building all day.
because, someone in that room will need Jesus,
and my son will be there to help that child meet Him.
and that is worth more than any kind of educating in the world.










3 comments:

  1. Love the last part best. Needing Jesus. :) my son asked his Dads new girlfriend if she new Jesus ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. ""i'm done," with a crazed look of hysteria"... I've been there and with much less on my plate.

    Your boys will be a joy to their teachers. Love you my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yay! I truly believe this will be a good thing for all involved! I'm so glad you have peace about it, too. :)

    ReplyDelete

I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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