Tuesday, January 6, 2015

baby 6. 16w5d.

it is baby gender reveal month. i see my midwife again next week
and we'll be setting up our sono appointment for the end of january. 
i'm excited. i've been waiting ever so patiently to find out if we'll have 
another rowdy brother in the bunch or a sweet sister. but seriously,
i was was watching my kids roughhouse last night and all i could think was,
"she is going to be such a rough and tumble tomboy."
there's probably no getting away from that. and honestly, i'm okay with it.

how does one feel when she has already had five boys and has told God
for years and years and years that a daughter is one of the greatest desires of her heart?
at one point, we thought we were on the path to getting two daughters at once.
my heart was set on it. i knew that i knew that i knew it was going to pan out.
and when it didn't that was one of the biggest heartbreaks i had felt in a very long while.
i was utterly crushed for days and it took me a couple of weeks to move on.

and now that we have another of our own growing in my womb?
do i still hope it's a girl? yes. absolutely. 
do i fear that if it's another boy i'll be crushed a little? yes. absolutely.
but my heart will also harbor an undeniable love for him the second we know.
as strange as it may sound to some, before grey was born and  we knew we were done
with babies, i did morn for the loss of knowing we'd never have a daughter like i hoped.
and i'm sure i will again. but of course, i can't tell you God's plans. He knows.

i just know that i fear my immediate reaction of finding out it's another little lad.
and i know that immediately after my gut reaction, i know i will still have an 
overwhelming momma bear love for him. i know i will be thrilled when i get to meet him.
i know that he is mine. ours. and the perfect fit already. i know we will adore him as much
as we have adored all of our boys. i know he will be perfect. and perfectly loved.

and if it's a girl? well. i'm sure tears are certainly going to fall.
toby and i have both hoped for a girl since several babies back.
my heart will soar. i will praise God. 
and i will go out and purchase my first ever girly baby thing.
and i will dream of future days with pinks and purples and {tiny} headbands and {tiny} bows
 (are you getting my hints? i do not love big giant bows/flowers/poofy things.)
and dresses and sparkly things and baby dolls.

and what does my gut say?
since the very beginning, i have felt strongly that i'm having a daughter,
a little girl.

and with the other five kids, my gut and feelings were only wrong once.
so we shall see. i'd ask what you think we're having, but i know
every single one of you would say a girl because it's mostly out of hopes of us actually getting that girl.
and i appreciate that.

{photo courtesy of greyson. 15wks, Christmas day. due date: june 18.)

xoxo





1 comment:

  1. is it weird that i'm really nervous about this? i CANNOT wait to find out.

    ReplyDelete

I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.

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