Wednesday, January 28, 2015

prenatal depression, a real thing.

well well well. so much on my sleepy little mind. and by sleepy, i do mean, 
i want to sleep all day and all night. it's part of the sickness, i believe.
so is my lack of appetite and loss of interest in other things.
and my allthetime guilt.
for not being able to keep home. 
for being super short with my kids.
for not showing interest in my husband.
for not being social.
for not being nice.
for barely being able to carry on a conversation.
for barely being able to take care of my own basic needs.
for barely getting out of bed some days.
for not taking proper care of my business clients.
guilt guilt guilt.
for feeling so hopeless.
for hating this pregnancy.
for not connecting with my child (loving him or her, yes. connecting, no.)
for not feeling giddy when she kicks.
for feeling resentment toward my own pregnancy
because of all i feel it has taken from me.
for barely functioning as a human being.

no, pregnancy is not always accompanied by a glow and a feel good feeling.

it's called prenatal depression (antenatal depression).
and it's real. and affects more mommies to be than are willing to say it out loud.
it's hard to talk about.
but somehow easier to write about.
telling my husband i feel like this? that felt impossible.
i'm supposed to have it all together. 
i'm supposed to keep home.
i'm supposed to be the wife he deserves.
i'm supposed to be a good mom. 
i'm supposed to be in some sort of blissful pregnant state.

but i'm not. i can't. not now. not when i feel my world caving in nearly all the time.
some days are better than others, sure. 
but those really, really, not so better days? they.are.hard. so hard.

and for a couple of months i truly felt numb. no emotion. 
other than extreme irritation at all the things.
then one day, it hit. a flood of tears that wouldn't stop.
now i'm feeling more emotion than i care to. 
 and when those tears fell, the truth about how i feel about this pregnancy 
hit me like a ton of bricks.

it is like you don't want to share it or tell anyone,
but also, you just want someone to catch on to your pretend okay-ness
and really ask you if you're okay, or what's wrong.
even then, it's hard to admit and say out loud.

i mean, prenatal depression. come one, hormones.
must you be so unforgiving? must you be so unbalanced?
must you put us through this?
and must there be so few articles and so little awareness?
because all i really want to do is be content and enjoy this time.
but that feels so far out of reach. 

i will be speaking to my midwife at my next appointment.
i've asked a few people for prayers and chatted with even fewer about it.
it is a hard reality to live in when i already have five little humans and a husband to care for.

but it is my current reality. one i would not wish on any expectant momma.

my prayer is that i will be one of the lucky ones,
the ones that see it lift right after birth.
 my fear is that i will be one of the unlucky ones,
the ones that then deal with postpartum depression right after birth.

this is my story. and why i'm so afraid to share it, i'm not sure.
the Lord has called me to be honest with who i am, i'm fully aware of that.
but gosh, sometimes that just seems so darn hard.
i am sharing it anyways.

despite the pity replies, looks, and "helpful tips" i may recieve.
despite the embarrassment over something i can't even control.
despite everyone knowing i am completely not put together.

i do believe there needs to be more awareness on this topic.
my midwife asked me at my last visit to let her know of any prenatal depression symptoms.
she is in the know, thankfully.
but how many obstetricians are not?
how many of you have had a single prenatal visit and had your doctor mention it?
neither of mine ever did.

so there you have it, dear ones.
my life right now.
don't be afraid to speak up about things you struggle with.
i honestly believe that if some of us did not go through these things,
there would be no hope in the world for someone else.
eventually, i can tell how i overcame this,
i can share with another soul struggling,
that yes, it will get better.
that is what i'm looking forward to,
the other side of this illness.
the side that screams victory with a you'll get through it, too positivity.



  1. Oh, hun. If I could, I would come to your house (kept or not - like seriously you should see mine ;) ), and I'd take care of your kiddos so you could nap, or just be by yourself. Depression sucks. Carrying a little one inside at the same time - even moreso.

    1. oh thank you. you're so sweet. someday, i WILL meet you in person!


I am so happy you are here. Your words make my heart so happy.


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