Thursday, April 2, 2015

can i just be honest?

because i feel like i should. 

when i first found out i was pregnant with a sixth child,
and even with my premonition of having a sixth child that would be a girl named ruby,
and after the shock wore off (that took quite a while),
i was super angry.
i was mad that God would make me go through the pains of pregnancy again.
i was mad that He was putting me through another round of no sleeps
and dependent babies.

i was just so mad that i had to go through it all again,
when i was on the brink of having more independence as a human person.
when i had finally gotten my body back and i was shaping it up.
when i was tired of being tired and waking up a trillion times at night.
when i had just had a baby/toddler that was thee hardest of the bunch.
i was mad. 
i actually resented the pregnancy. not the wee little one,
just the fact that i was pregnant all over again.
and the last pregnancy just about did me in.

i fist-to-the-sky'd God. 
and then i started going through (or at least realized what it was)
prenatal depression. depression is just such an ugly beast.
lemme just tell y'all, i was such a rough couple of months.

and then we found out we were for sure having a little lady,
and it took a little more time, but i finally got over being so angry.

however, during that angry, i felt such a disconnect to my faith that
i let it fall by the wayside. and goodness, i can tell. 
and i can feel Him tugging on my heart strings to come back to Him.
my scared heart just doesn't even know where to begin. 
i just know i need to start somewhere, ya know?

and probably thanking Him for finally blessing us with one of the greatest desires of 
my heart is a great place to start.

because, after the first two babies, i knew i so badly wanted a little girl.
i love each of my boys and absolutely would not change a single thing 
about them or their birth order or how many of them we have.
they are ours. they are amazing. they are crazy and sometimes hormonal.
but they are our beautiful boys.
and to round it all off, we are getting our sweet girl, Miss Ruby-loo.
we are certainly blessed beyond what i could have ever imagined.
and now it's time to find my way back to full reliance on God and nothing more.

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