Thursday, June 11, 2015

seven days. baby 6.

seven days until my estimated due date.
i like to always throw in the word estimated, because that's all it is, an estimation
of when baby might decide to show up.
and i am fully aware that my baby will be born. even if i want it to be, um, now.

toby is still convinced i'll have her sometime in the wee morning hours (friday).
i don't know. i do know that my contractions are longer, stronger, and more often.
still not consistent like real labor, but enough to make me either stop or slow down.

my nether regions are always hurting and i can't keep my eyes open throughout parts of the day.
this is the homestretch. and while i have (probably unintentionally) been made to feel
guilty about all the feels i've had during this pregnancy since the very beginning,
 i do know that this baby, 
and how far i've come with her snug and moving and wiggly is a blessing that i do not 
take for granted.

pregnancy wrecks me. it wrecks my body physically and is so stinkin' hard on me
that i spend all day in pain. it wrecks my emotions and i end up hating the world around me.
it wrecks my brain and i can't always properly form thoughts or words and half the time 
i can't remember a blasted thing.

so while it seems like i'm only negative about this, 
and currently, i have been a tad negative,
i have not been negative the entire time.

i'm getting a girl, a daughter, the most sought after desire of our hearts these last several years.
we are blessed. and even though i can sit here and say i'm getting a girl and know it in my 
heart, i just can't even wrap my mind around actually holding a little girl that came from 
my womb. i try to imagine it, but it seems so strange and far off to think it's actually
a little girl in our home, in my arms, nursing, and snuggling.

i think we women have a hard time remembering that no matter where someone else is in their 
stage of life, it's hard for them. it was hard when i only had one newborn. 
it was hard when i had a toddler and a newborn.
it was hard when i had two kids and miscarried twice, but longed for more babies.
it was hard with three kids.
and guys, it's hard right where i am... pregnant with a 6th and so completely over it.
it's hard having preteens and babies at the same time.
but especially hard with the preteen part.

women struggle where they are, and then we judge them because it seems like they 
are "luckier" or have it "easier." we blame others for where we are not. my story is my story,
and frankly, i am completely allowed to feel how i feel. and so are you.
but please stop judging me for how i'm feeling. i would never, ever suggest to you
that you have it easier or have it made because i have more kids and you have less... 
or because i live in the desert with no family and you have yours super close...
or whatever fill in the blank you want to add.
i know it gets hard for you, too, no matter what stage of life you are in.

i am blessed. and i know it. so are you.
and it gets hard for me.
and just the same, it gets hard for you,
just where you are,
and you are allowed to feel how you feel.


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