Saturday, October 1, 2016

october ONE.

It's crazy that another year is nearly gone.

It's crazy that this year
has brought a TEENAGER into my life,
that my baby girl turned one,
that I lived through and overcame post partum depression,
that I lost my grandfather, who helped raise me,
that I made new friends,
that I helped launch an entire women's ministry,
that we went through the hardest six months ever and lived to tell the tale.

It's been some kind of year! And I just pause and think about where I was one year and two years ago. You guys, I was suffering, internally suffering. My world two years ago a mess of pregnant hormones and prenatal depression. It was crumbling so hard and fast that I decided I was no longer mentally, emotionally, or physically equipped to homeschool my kids and I ran straight to the school and enrolled them. I spent nearly every day in bed for a minimum of half of my waking hours. I couldn't cook, I couldn't read, I couldn't speak to people, I could not even make decisions. I didn't know what to feed myself, I didn't know how to live my life. It was so sad. It was a deep, dark pit. I was not a great human being. I was mean and in a constant state of frustration.

One year ago, I had a bitty three month old, and things were looking up. The prenatal depression did not fully manifest into postpartum depression. (Praise God!) I had trouble getting my stride back, sure, but having my daughter sort of started a healing on my heart. She was a redemption song in my life. She was the last baby I never knew my heart needed. My boys are a part of my everything, without a doubt. But my baby number six, my daughter, she has completed us in ways I didn't know were possible. And juggling a newborn and going back to homeschool and not knowing about our job situation, it was all challenging back then.

Now, this year, this life. It's so beautiful. It's hard as heck some days trying to balance a busy, nursing toddler, while homeschooling five boys, and planning out ministry things, and then saying YES to even more scary things the Lord has asked me to step into. My heart is still healing, my heart still has moments where those dark feelings try to creep in and take over. But heavens, I am so thankful to be where I am today. To have found a hope to cling to when my daughter was born, to feel redeemed, to feel whole, well... that is one of the best feelings.

I'm certainly in a busy season in my life. And listen, y'all. I don't do busy. Like, ever. My kids aren't in activities, for that very reason. I'm fine with saying no when I need to, for realz. But right now, this busyness, I don't mind it. I am not complaining one bit. I'm just fully aware of what it is, I am acknowledging the busy. This busy is bringing me joy, perhaps even restoring some of it that has long been forgotten. Working for the Lord, not for man. Saying yes. Doing things afraid. Being fully myself, never too much, always enough. Remembering exactly who I am as Brooke, a daughter of the King. It's a glorious season, and I can't believe this is my life right now.

And we just can't believe it's October and we get to wear October colors!


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