Over the last couple of weeks, I've really been pressing into the Lord to reveal what my gifting is in this life. I have this friend who knows very specifically what her gifting and calling is, and honestly, I find a little envy creep into the cracks of my heart. Not that kind of envy that says, "I hope she fails, and every other human who fully recognizes the calling God placed on their lives fails, too." No, in fact, I feel the very opposite. I want her to succeed. I want all of them to succeed and further the Kingdom. With every fiber of my being, I WANT THEM TO SUCCEED. My tinge of envy comes from wishing I knew exactly what my giftings are, too. I want to know without a doubt the special thing God has given me and use it with abandon. Lately, I feel like I can't figure it out... Like, did I know what it was before? and during the last 5 years when I lost sight of who I was, did I lose sight of my talents and gifts and calling? Or did I never really know it to begin with? Or is the Lord dangling it in front of me and I am too blinded by other things of this world to even see it? I am not sure.
I am currently doing a Bible study that, honestly, I have kind of put off doing this week. I waited til one day before I needed to finish it to even open it. Wouldn't you know it that the very thing that has been on my mind, bothering me, bringing me to my knees is the very thing the study talks about this week?! Geez. The Lord is definitely trying to speak to me, but what is He saying? Do you ever feel that way? Like, God, I hear you, I feel you, I see you, but I can't quite make it out, it's a little muffled, a little blurry. You're there. You're here, but the message isn't clear. I think maybe I'm letting my distractions block his communications. Distractions like my phone. (amirite?) And my little concerns. My worldly distractions and my worldly concerns. These distractions are the opposite of being focused on God. These distractions are preventing the muffled, blurry image from coming through clear as day.
If I can't put these distractions away, shift my focus upward, then no, the Lord will not reveal my actual giftings to me. He will not ask me to fulfill my calling if I cannot focus on Him and his Word more than my things. (I'm sitting here writing this and laughing, because I am thinking... this is so NOT where I was going with this, yet this is what is flowing out of my hands and my mind.) All of these things are telling me I am storing my "treasures" in the wrong place. All of these things are proving that I harvest what I plant (Gal. 6:7). I am the world's best time waster. F'real. I love my sleep. I love my bed. I love my lazy. And I am so well aware that the Bible calls us to "never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically." (I forget the verse reference). And there was a time I did work hard simply to overcome the natural lazy body that lives within this chubby exterior. And I did overcome it. I truly did. I set aside the Netflix, I set aside my selfishness and need to be 'nuggled up in my bed. I set my own, personal, and selfish desires aside and lived on the Holy Spirit and his Bread.
But then, life happened. And I fell back into my lazy ways. And perhaps all of these things running rampant in my mind about not knowing my gifting and my calling is really just the Lord saying, hey. stop. stop toiling with this nonsense. focus back on ME. look up. reach up. breathe me in deeply. lean into me, lean into my chest, my embrace, my breathing, feel my heartbeat for you. lean into my Word, and all of those promises. and dear lazy child, lean into obedience.
Of course, obedience. Obedience brings forth so much fruit. So much. I came here to whine about not knowing my calling or giftings. I came here to say, wahhhh, poor me. But instead, I've given myself a Bible lesson. "Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him." (Phil. 2:12b-13). Yes, Lord, I hear you. First, obey. Press into You, press into your Word. Then, listen. And most of all for right now, stop being lazy. Stop being selfish with my time and my time wasters. Got it.
Laying my real life confessions out there in the open world is hard to do. I do know I'm called to live an open book type of life, but it doesn't make it easy all the time to tell the truth about my walk with the Lord. I am a mess. I'm a messy human with a tendency to be self serving. Imperfect, though loved with a Perfect Love. I really think I'm being disciplined like a child, because let's be real, I'm acting like one. My discipline is well deserved. I read my Bible daily, I journal, I pray. But then I do not behave in a way that suggests I am truly soaking the truths deep down in the crevices of my soul. I can't just read these truths, then curl up in bed every day as if I have no goals to work towards to further the Kingdom. No, I must live them. Hour by hour, minute by minute.
I must walk in obedience and that first step onto that path for me: stop being lazy.