Friday, June 30, 2017

He comforts.

Yesterday was a doozy, man. My emotions were in full control. Everything I did, said, and felt were all wrapped up in two things.

First, I woke up to a message from someone from my past that both stung and made me burn with anger. The anger quickly turned into a mess of every other emotion. I won't go into this, though.

Alongside that, I woke up feeling generally down because life just isn't going how I have dreamed for years and years and years. And by "life" I mean only ONE aspect of my life. But that one thing ate me up yesterday. I was a very unproductive human. I cried. I laid in bed and ate cookies. I had THE best pity party. But, I was truly hurting.

I have dreamed of moving somewhere NOT Texas for years. I have dreamed of living in the country closer to our extended families. I have other dreams, too. But this is a biggie. We have been married for 16 years and have lived in Texas for that long, too. We are from Oklahoma, for those few who don't know. It's not terribly far, but still an 11-12 hour trek with a kid like Ruby who hates being in the car for too long. Yesterday, I just felt overwhelmed. I told God that I thought my faith was wavering. I told him that I was tired of sacrificing. I was tired of having sacrificed 16 years of my life living somewhere I near hate. I love my relationships, but not a lot compares to hugging my momma and enveloping myself in her warmth and smell when I need it. Nothing compares to getting to stay the night at the grandparents house when you're a kid and getting spoiled to no end by them.

I pitied hard. I looked up jobs for Toby, I looked up houses for us. I checked several cities. I just had a day. I had a day where the sacrifice felt like too much. Holding tight to a faith that said God surely cares about this one thing, but He isn't moving in this area of our lives. It was hard. I held on, but barely, I felt like I was slipping and sliding and the rope was getting shorter and shorter because I was coming to the end of it. I was surely at the end of myself, I knew that.

All day, I just kept telling the Lord, whilst reassuring myself: God... you KNOW my heart. You KNOW my dreams and desires. You KNOW the prayer I have prayed a thousand times. You KNOW. You KNOW. Without a doubt, you KNOW. 

So why? Why can't we pick up and GO, anywhere? Why are we stuck here? How much longer must I sacrifice my dreams. I love my husband, God, you know I do, and Lord, I would never do anything or push anything we were not on the same page about, but God. Hey God, can I stop sacrificing now?

It's hard sometimes. It's hard to know you are following Him even though He isn't taking you where you hope to go. I went to bed wallowing in my self pity and woe is me attitude. But I could not sleep. So I cracked open my Bible. And just flipped. I flipped and flipped without reading the words. Until a title caught my eye, "God Offers Comfort To All." Okay, I'll read it.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us." (2 Corinthians 1: 3-7)

I know that my troubles and hardships do not compare to the author's (Paul), but it felt so good to read this passage and praise the Father for being my comfort. I read it, doodled in my Bible, thanked and praised, and fell asleep with my Bible open next to me.

Why am I sacrificing for such a long period of time something my heart truly desires? I am not sure. I won't know. Maybe our work here in O-town isn't complete. Maybe there's more we must do, more God has for us to do before we can go anywhere else. Sometimes, we just sacrifice. Sometimes, we live in a perpetual state of sacrifice. There is a reason behind it. Do I always get to know the reason? I do not. Just that in the waiting, in the hurting, in the wondering, my God remains steadfast and strong and available to hear my hearts and available to bring me comfort.

A year and a half ago, I committed to stop living with one foot out the door here. And big things went down!!! I stick to this commitment, even though yesterday I allowed the evil one to worm into my thoughts and make me question why this sacrifice has been 16 years long, question my faith, question His faithfulness.

My doubts are no more today because His mercies are new each day, His love and grace and faithfulness is steadfast and DOES. NOT. WAVER. My humanity got in my way, my selfishness, my self pity. Today, I know. I know that I will not have answers for why, but I know I don't need them. I know I don't have to fake job hunt and fake house hunt and fake city hunt, because right here, in my humble house in West Texas is my home, my now, the exact place God has us. I will rejoice. I will be thankful. I will give praise. God is good, even when I'm unsure, even when I drown myself in self pity.


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